Ooh, look at you, clicking on this sexy article at work while pretending to use Excel Spreadsheets, because you said on your LinkedIn profile that you’re proficient in Excel Spreadsheets, and now you’re in way too deep to back out now!
Don’t worry, we’ll make this worth your time. Read on to learn how to elevate the most underwhelming sex move, second only to him trying to give you head. That’s right, we’re talking hand jobs. Now, you may think that hand jobs belong to the realm of sweaty high school fumblings in the back of your local AMC.
You’re not wrong.
But that’s only because you haven’t been allowing them to live up to their full potential. Let me ask, do you dole out your hand jobs like they’re a chore, mere foreplay to the foreplay? Or do you play up their inherent whimsical theatricality?
It’s as simple as this. The next time you reach over to seduce your partner with your palm, do yourselves both a favor, and stick your pinky out so he knows you fancy.
This one simple action will transport him to a different plane of existence. Instead of it being 8:45pm on your couch as you both watch the latest episode of Killing Eve (how does Phoebe Waller-Bridge deliver every time??), he will suddenly be envisioning you at a cricket game, wearing one of those weird tiny hats and saying things like: “Crumpets, jolly-o!” And he’ll be into it. Oh yeah. He’ll be into it.
He’ll get off on imagining that you’re Meghan Markle — or Theresa May, if he’s kinky like that. If you reeeaally want to get the clotted cream on the scone, so to speak, start discussing Brexit in explicit detail. God, that referendum was close. Does he think that the EU will accept parliament’s demands? How exactly is this going to affect the global economy?
Uh-oh, Brenda from the cubicle to your left is peering over! That nosy bitch. So go ahead, pretend to be crunching some spreadsheet numbers, and get ready to flex your digitus minimus manus. Your proper sex life will thank you.
— A Well-Mannered Grump
Donna Manning, a 53-year-old woman known as “that lady who sits outside the Belmont stop” by white people wearing form-fitting athleisure in the summer, is well recognized around the neighborhood. On cold days like these, it’s an inspiration to see working folk walking to the train do their best to help her out. As caring people ourselves here at The Well-Mannered Grump, we would like to take a moment to highlight how some of these small good deeds go a long way.
Rich Guy, Managing Partner of a sizeable law firm downtown, did his part by buying Donna a medium black coffee.
Mone Green, Chief Financial Officer of a prominent bank in the Loop, paid it forward today by buying Donna a medium black coffee.
Manny Coyne, up-and-coming Account Executive of a telephone marketing company just off the Lake Station Red Line stop made one life a little better by buying Donna a medium black coffee.
Rob Baron, Chief Marketing Officer at an advertising company right by the iconic Cloud Gate (The Bean), took his pastor’s advice and treated others the way he would want to be treated. Naturally, he bought Donna a medium black coffee.
Finally, J.B. Pritzker, Governor of Illinois, registered Democrat, partial owner of Hyatt Hotels, and definitely a good guy you can trust, noticed Donna from his helicopter. Being the upstanding and not corrupted individual that J.B is, he sent one of his interns to buy Donna a medium black coffee.
When asked how she felt when selfless strangers continued to put her needs before their own, Donna responded:
“Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya. Pretty nice of ’em, pretty nice of ’em. They were pretty nice to be so so so nice, like real nice, with all the coffee and ya know, coffee. I definitely don’t need any more coffee thanks to the thanks to the, of the, for the nicest strange nice people of the businesses of Chicago. Thanks Chicago!”
— That Woman Who Sits Outside the Belmont Stop
From the hours of 5 to 6 this morning, Donna was given (and felt obligated to drink) five medium-sized black coffees. Each medium black coffee contains 12oz. of pure, unadulterated caffeine! Over the span of one hour, Donna went from cold and homeless to jittery, needing to use the bathroom, dehydrated, cold, and yes, you guessed it, still homeless.
— A Well-Mannered Grump