Get Over Your Ex by Projecting All Your Fantasies Onto Derek Peth

In My, Dreams

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We’re not going to name names or anything, but let’s assume you’re trying to get over your ex, and you’d like to speed up the process. Leading psychologists are all pretty much in agreement about the solution, and it’s to sit your booty down to watch Bachelor in Paradise, Season 6, Week 5, Part 1. You know, the episode when America collectively got wet over sweet Derek Peth’s heartbreaking display of maturity after getting dumped for the *second* time this summer. Why? Because now you can project alllllll your fantasies onto this perfect TV man, and forget all about your ex in no time. This sounds emotionally healthy! Let’s get started! 

Having trouble? Just imagine all the ways that Derek Peth is superior to your ex. First of all, Derek would definitely make it his mission to satisfy you every time, which is more than can be said even once for *ahem* Bryan… Oops? Moving on. 

Derek would never send you a deeply romantic song post-breakup (which all your friends and your mom are in agreement about, it was romantic) that reminded him of you, only to then make out with you, only to THEN have “no idea” you might interpret that as residual feelings on his part. He definitely “didn’t have any objectives” other than “friendship” and “didn’t mean to imply” that he was “looking” to “restart” a “relationship.” (BRYAN.) Sorry, this is about Derek though. 

The purpose of this article is really not to talk about your ex (okay, his name is Bryan), but… Actually no, let’s go back to that song, because you definitely have more to say about that. Because I personally think that if DEREK sent YOU “Groceries” by Mallrat fourteen months after breaking up, it would be a prelude to getting back together, don’t you think? I mean, look at these chorus lyrics:

I just wanna get groceries

I'll pray you wanna get close to me

I'll give it some, give it some, give it some time

But I think we're supposed to be

Wait, there’s more. 

And if you wanna get groceries

And if you wanna get close to me

Just gimme some, gimme some, gimme some sign

I think that we're supposed to be


Derek Peth is a 32-year-old commercial banker, successful podcast host, and feminist king who treats women with respect/empathy and consistently makes himself vulnerable in search of love. If men like him actually exist out there, then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BEING CAUGHT UP ON BRYAN?!

And sure, maybe Bryan and Derek resemble each other, insofar as they are both handsome but vaguely generic looking brunette white men from the Midwest. But those similarities definitely do not mean that I am using him as a stand-in for Bryan. I have definitely not called my mom to monologue for two hours on why Derek and I would match perfectly if we only met. Likewise, I am also definitely not writing this article in hopes of Derek seeing it and falling in love with me via Instagram. Like so many people are DM’ing him right now, right? Don’t you think? Or maybe no? Maybe like everyone just assumes everyone else is DM’ing him, so no one is? Should I? I want you to be totally honest with me, but I also want you to tell me yes. Wait, this isn’t about me though. This is about YOU and finding a way to get over Bryan when you haven’t met your healthcare deductible yet, and your parents refuse to pay for counseling because you’re “twenty-three” and an “adult” with a “job.” Thank God Hulu is only $11.99 per month, or free if your roommate’s parents are paying for it. 

And last of all: what the fuck Tayshia. What the fuck. 

-A Well-Mannered Grump


Entourage is a great show. Attractive characters, familial relationships, brotherly love? I mean what’s not to love? Today is the 15th anniversary of the day that Entourage first aired on HBO. In honor of this momentous occasion I recently rewatched Entourage and 15 years later I can safely say: Jesus Christ all these characters need a sharp kick in the pants. 

I never noticed until recently that the plot follows the same formula: Vince can’t do a movie for some reason, then he can do the movie for some reason, and then they all celebrate and Ari yells something to the tune of “We own this cocksucking, pisshole town,” for some reason. Look, I agree that’s fun. Lots of drama followed up with a super satisfying resolution. But holy fuck, you guys the sexism on this show? It is next level. So do you kind of get why I want to shank I mean kick these guys really hard? I made a nice definitive list of every character I want to kick really hard in the leg. Hear me out: 

-A Well-Mannered Grump


Comedy Fun Fun, USA

So you moved to a big ol’ city because you want a career in comedy? You may have heard that it’s all about performing at open mics, taking the right classes to connect with industry professionals, and regularly posting hilarious content on Twitter. That advice might be true, but there’s also an easier way. Go out and buy yourself a pair of overalls.

There are several ways you can brand yourself as an overalls-wearing comedian who is very haha funny. First, you can go for an oversized, light-wash pair with mustard stains from your neighborhood thrift store. This look says: “I accidentally found myself here at this bar. I am but a lowly farmhand. Kidding! I’m a haha comedian, you guys! Validate me with your laughter, strangers!!”

You could also go the sleek, trendy route, with a black, skinny-cut pair from Madewell that has numerous unnecessary zippers. This look says: “Why yes, I’m in the talks with a certain online streaming network about doing a very serious comedy exclusive. I am also eating Saltines for a year to afford this luxury purchase. Haha comedy is my life.”

Some comedians even invest in overalls of the white, straight-leg, rolled-at-the-ankle variety. This look says: “I am haha funny because I am hot, and that’s how things work. Also, I live in LA. Do you remember Vine?”

Overalls aren’t for everybody. If you’re a comedian with an aversion to overalls, then please be prepared to readily identify yourself with one or more of the following: an infant-sized beanie; a bushy mustache with long hair and no beard; an ironic instagram handle; the stench of marijuana. Otherwise, how will anybody be able to tell that you’re haha omg lol lmao funny?? We’re rooting for you.

— A Well-Mannered Grump


Sixth Floor Walk-Up, Lakeview

Brandon Hillerty opens up a GarageBand file on his computer. In the beginning, he tried to use Audacity, he explains, but the YouTube tutorials were just too confusing. After pressing play, his inexplicably muffled voice rings out from the tiny laptop speakers. “Sup? No, I’m gonna start that one over. Sup, everyone.”

Hillerty readily admits that this new venture, starting his own personal podcast, is a direct result of his quarter-life crisis (or more accurately, his one-third-life crisis, according to the average male life expectancy in the United States).

“As a twenty-five year old, do I have any real expertise to offer the world?” Hillerty asks, pretending to busily type things on his computer as he speaks. “Of course not. Am I still ordering a Blue Yeti Miniature Microphone in ‘lunar gray’ and planning to monologue into it about the mundanities of my life? Absolutely!” Hillerty promises that his main objective in making this podcast is to prove every negative millennial stereotype true with astounding speed and subpar sound quality. He reveals that he mainly draws inspiration from older, better podcasts. “Think Serial meets Dave Ramsey meets This American Life.”

When interviewed, Hillerty’s roommates confirm: “We tried to stop him. We told him it would be like, really professionally embarrassing, and that none of his Hinge matches would want to meet him in person after Googling him. But that all just seemed to fuel the fire even more. At this point, we’re counting our blessings that it’s only a podcast, and not” —their voices lower to a whisper— “a YouTube channel. We might have to kick him to the curb if it ever came to that.” When asked if he suffers from masochism, narcissism, or an attractive blend of the two, Hillerty avoided the question by turning up the volume on his MacBook Air until it obscured all other sound.

— A Well-Mannered Grump


Allentown, PA

Just this morning the world was taken by storm as an opinion piece in “The SchMuhlenberg Weekly,” a liberal arts college newspaper, was an opinion.

The campus was buzzing this morning as mingling co-eds discussed the progressive ideas written about in the article. “I thought it was really well thought-out, written for all the right reasons, and not in any way self-serving,” said second-semester junior Emily Feinstein. Emily wasn’t the only one to applaud the piece of writing. On social media, people wrote many words of praise. Below are just a few examples pulled from Facebook, Twitter, and Snap (duh).

Emily Shapiro: “This is exactly what our community needed!! #Woke”

John Green: “I love the use of words and letters and sentences and such”

Emily Cohen: “This is inspiring! This is relatable! This is gospel! #singiton”

John Blue: “As a man and an ally, I agree!” #skibbidybahbeedoozweedaBOW


After much success with his first opinion piece, students are begging the writer for more. Next, they’ve asked him to cast his ideas on other topics the students definitely care about. This masterpiece is only fourteen hours young, but it’s potential, well, dare I say... is endless.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

*After reading the article below, I think I’m officially never responding to any donation emails when I’m older*