HOW TO WEAR OVERALLS SO EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE 100% HAHA COMEDIAN

Comedy Fun Fun, USA

So you moved to a big ol’ city because you want a career in comedy? You may have heard that it’s all about performing at open mics, taking the right classes to connect with industry professionals, and regularly posting hilarious content on Twitter. That advice might be true, but there’s also an easier way. Go out and buy yourself a pair of overalls.

There are several ways you can brand yourself as an overalls-wearing comedian who is very haha funny. First, you can go for an oversized, light-wash pair with mustard stains from your neighborhood thrift store. This look says: “I accidentally found myself here at this bar. I am but a lowly farmhand. Kidding! I’m a haha comedian, you guys! Validate me with your laughter, strangers!!”

You could also go the sleek, trendy route, with a black, skinny-cut pair from Madewell that has numerous unnecessary zippers. This look says: “Why yes, I’m in the talks with a certain online streaming network about doing a very serious comedy exclusive. I am also eating Saltines for a year to afford this luxury purchase. Haha comedy is my life.”

Some comedians even invest in overalls of the white, straight-leg, rolled-at-the-ankle variety. This look says: “I am haha funny because I am hot, and that’s how things work. Also, I live in LA. Do you remember Vine?”

Overalls aren’t for everybody. If you’re a comedian with an aversion to overalls, then please be prepared to readily identify yourself with one or more of the following: an infant-sized beanie; a bushy mustache with long hair and no beard; an ironic instagram handle; the stench of marijuana. Otherwise, how will anybody be able to tell that you’re haha omg lol lmao funny?? We’re rooting for you.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS RESULTS IN ILL-ADVISED PODCAST

Sixth Floor Walk-Up, Lakeview

Brandon Hillerty opens up a GarageBand file on his computer. In the beginning, he tried to use Audacity, he explains, but the YouTube tutorials were just too confusing. After pressing play, his inexplicably muffled voice rings out from the tiny laptop speakers. “Sup? No, I’m gonna start that one over. Sup, everyone.”

Hillerty readily admits that this new venture, starting his own personal podcast, is a direct result of his quarter-life crisis (or more accurately, his one-third-life crisis, according to the average male life expectancy in the United States).

“As a twenty-five year old, do I have any real expertise to offer the world?” Hillerty asks, pretending to busily type things on his computer as he speaks. “Of course not. Am I still ordering a Blue Yeti Miniature Microphone in ‘lunar gray’ and planning to monologue into it about the mundanities of my life? Absolutely!” Hillerty promises that his main objective in making this podcast is to prove every negative millennial stereotype true with astounding speed and subpar sound quality. He reveals that he mainly draws inspiration from older, better podcasts. “Think Serial meets Dave Ramsey meets This American Life.”


When interviewed, Hillerty’s roommates confirm: “We tried to stop him. We told him it would be like, really professionally embarrassing, and that none of his Hinge matches would want to meet him in person after Googling him. But that all just seemed to fuel the fire even more. At this point, we’re counting our blessings that it’s only a podcast, and not” —their voices lower to a whisper— “a YouTube channel. We might have to kick him to the curb if it ever came to that.” When asked if he suffers from masochism, narcissism, or an attractive blend of the two, Hillerty avoided the question by turning up the volume on his MacBook Air until it obscured all other sound.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE NEWSPAPER PUBLISHES FANTASTIC OPINION PIECE

Allentown, PA

Just this morning the world was taken by storm as an opinion piece in “The SchMuhlenberg Weekly,” a liberal arts college newspaper, was an opinion.

The campus was buzzing this morning as mingling co-eds discussed the progressive ideas written about in the article. “I thought it was really well thought-out, written for all the right reasons, and not in any way self-serving,” said second-semester junior Emily Feinstein. Emily wasn’t the only one to applaud the piece of writing. On social media, people wrote many words of praise. Below are just a few examples pulled from Facebook, Twitter, and Snap (duh).

Emily Shapiro: “This is exactly what our community needed!! #Woke”

John Green: “I love the use of words and letters and sentences and such”

Emily Cohen: “This is inspiring! This is relatable! This is gospel! #singiton”

John Blue: “As a man and an ally, I agree!” #skibbidybahbeedoozweedaBOW

Emily Emily: “YAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! #YASSS” #FULLBELT

After much success with his first opinion piece, students are begging the writer for more. Next, they’ve asked him to cast his ideas on other topics the students definitely care about. This masterpiece is only fourteen hours young, but it’s potential, well, dare I say... is endless.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

*After reading the article below, I think I’m officially never responding to any donation emails when I’m older*

https://muhlenbergweekly.com/op-ed/the-uncomfortable-truth-about-a-capella/?fbclid=IwAR3TokYQiAp1iS0tdK7aIeA_9l6tOkbzYWvHDfIIo7zknHswR17KfOGuXsc