This Kid Is Cute But, The World Still Doesn't Make Any Fucking Sense

Chicago, IL

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Autumn has fallen upon us ladies and gentlemen. The change of the season comes not only with cooler weather and carved pumpkins but, also with a seemingly exponential amount of fucking day to day disasters. In this article, we won't just walk through the most common ways in which the world isn’t giving you a single goddamn break but, also how to tell you how to handle the goddamn breaks that you are not being given.

Your Hobby Can Be Your Job!

Ummm no it fucking can’t! Unless your mommy and your daddy own all the world’s businesses than no! NO, YOU CAN’T ENJOY YOUR JOB! Oh, you’d like an example… OKAY! Cameron wanted to be a painter growing up. Cameron was so excited when she was going to go off to college to learn how to perfect the art of the brush. Cameron worked hard. Cameron worked diligently. Today though, the only artistic release good ole Cameron has every week is running a tiny little rake through the sand in her desktop zen garden her therapist suggested she spend $45 on. 

So how do you handle it? 

RANT!  

Your Body Is A Temple!

A TEMPLE OF RUIN THAT HATES YOU! Did you know from the moment you are born you start to die??? HUH? Did you know that! OH, AN EXAMPLE? OK! Brenda was an elite high school swimmer. Brenda set and still holds nearly all the swim team records at Steel Valley High School! Ut OH Brenda hit puberty! Brenda got herself some tig ole biddies! Hallelujah! Hold the phone. Tig ole biddies increase surface area and weight of the body making it harder to move quickly through the water. Brenda sad. Brenda mad. Brenda at least feels a little more sexually powerful… Oh no here comes society! Brenda sits at a desk for eight hours a day weakening her once elite body into a state of decay and she still has to endure workplace harassment nearly every day. Yah, your body is a temple! A temple of DOOM!

So how do you handle it?

GO INTO A DEEP STATE OF DENIAL!

Love Is So Powerful! It Will All Work Out And Make Sense!

Make sense? Please, someone please make sense of the following example I assume you’ve come to anticipate at this point in the article. Kendal never believed in love. Kendal was a skeptic and because of this she was unable to see love when she had it. It wasn’t until after the fact when Kendal’s relationship ended did she realize that love was real… only… it was too late. Kendal couldn’t have known what she knows now if she didn’t lose what she had. Kendal’s emotional immaturity stymied her chances at true love and any relationship she pursues in the future will inevitably feel manufactured and false. A false love. No Kendal, love, like the world, makes absolutely no fucking sense and no… it won’t work out. Tehe.

So how do you handle it?

Your guess is as good as mine.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

Breaking News: Baby Has Creepy Little Grabby Hand

Washington, D.C.

In a developing story a baby from Washington, D.C. has a creepy little gabby hand. 

Officials are still investigating what, if anything this baby is grabbing at. 

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As onlookers commented on the baby’s cute little hat, the baby’s mother was heard questioning, “Is my baby cute or creepy?”

 The answer at this time is unclear although officials are leaning toward the ladder. 

Moments later, the baby started babbling and reaching for something that simply wasn’t there. 

“The baby’s hand looks kinda like a claw,” said local teenager Jason Withers. “It’s kinda cute. But what’s it grabbing at? That’s the creepy part. I go back and forth.”

Mr. Withers seemed to echo the sentiments of many onlookers that day: are babies cute or just grabby and a wee bit creepy? 

This story is developing. We will have more information as it becomes available. 

This just in! The creepy baby isn’t actually grabbing at anything but rather, just wondering why there is a claw where a hand should be. Perhaps this baby is an aspiring pokemon impersonator like we saw in one of our other breaking news stories.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

Black Denim Jeans And 3 Other Wardrobe Substitutes For Anti-Depressants

Chicago, IL

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Blake Barnes (24) has been dealing with rollercoaster-like ups and downs and a flurry of different prescriptions since graduating from college with a degree in Silk Painting… SILK PAINTING! Luckily Barnes said a fancy little farewell to his anti-depressants that have been mimicking happiness for a long while now. Why now? Well… Blake Barnes bought his first pair of black denim jeans!  

“Who knew one simple wardrobe essential could completely alter one’s perspective on life and how the rules of the universe operate altogether!” said Barnes. 

Hopefully, our readers are taking note! Go get yourself a pair of black denim jeans! They’re so much less expensive than prescription drugs and make your butt look slim and fit!

After further discussion with Mr. Barnes, we made the deduction that while black jeans may be the obvious textile substitute for whatever chemical big pharma is force-feeding you at the moment, there are a number of lesser-known prescription surrogates that could be in your closet at this very moment! 

1. A Forever 21 Corduroy Jacket!

Did someone say CorduJOY! Why not mix up the texture of your outerwear this Fall? Who wants to wear the same coat out for every occasion? Yuck! Show off some of your personality when you spend only $39.99 at Forever 21 on this accent piece! $39.99, which is about $105 dollars less expensive than a monthly prescription of Zoloft!

2. How About Some Fresh Allbirds Running Shoes?

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Do you want a natural chemical rush? There’s no better way to naturally get those endorphins flowing than to hit the gym baby! Pay only one installment of $95 and feel even more confident when you hit the weight room! $95, which would get you about 6 total capsules of Prozac!

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3. A Little Something For The Bedroom Folks?

While on the topic of natural chemical rushes, it would be hard not to bring up what one experiences while in the sack #amiright! So whatever your preference maybe find yourself a lil sumthin sumthin to make yourself feel sexy. Why not this Eres Rosier Stretch-Lace Soft-Cup Triangle Bra? It’s only $410! $410, that’s only about 33% the cost of 100 tablets of Lexapro

We should note that Blake Barnes has also been seeing a therapist twice a week for a month. WHICH IN NO WAY THROWS OFF THE VALIDITY OF OUR CLOTHING VS. PRESCRIPTION RESEARCH… also if you have good health insurance I guess the years of scientific research put into modern medicine may be worth a shot...

-A Well-Mannered (and Well-Dressed) Grump

Small Town Tailgate Was The Point Of No Return For Climate Change!

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Lake Geneva, WI

Our last hopes to save the world from boiling over in toxic fumes went by the wayside this past Saturday at former University of Wisconsin student Jodi Johnson’s “fun little tailgate thing”, or at least that’s what the Facebook event was titled.

Let’s dive into the numbers before we tap into the emotional piece of this story. Why did this tailgate end the world?

  1. There were 27 red Solo cups used each add 1 bad environment point!

  2. There were 12 red meat cheeseburgers consumed which are 2.5 bad points!

  3. Lastly, there was 1 red gas-guzzling Ford F-250 pickup truck… 100,000,000 bad points!

 Here is a complex bad environment points graph.

Here is a more tangible visual.

Some of you may want to know more, well, here’s more info about bad environment points.

In other news, the Badgers have outscored their opponents a collective 110-0 in the first two games of the college football season.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

Photography Student Understands How Mirrors Work!

Allentown, PA

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Ahh yes, do you smell that? It seems the fall is upon us folks. When the fall comes around, so does the opening of Liberal Arts colleges around the country. With that comes the annual, metaphorical reach of a hand into the pockets of Daddies, Mommies, near you.

Brent Davis, an undeclared freshman at Muhlenberg College was, in his own words, “artistically gifted and probably above an entry-level photography class.” So, when Davis was given his first photography assignment he thought he would show the class, nay, the world, nay...the art department, just how “gifted” he really was. 

You see, Brent Davis... knew how mirrors worked. 

Wa wa we wa, what a guy.

So Brent Davis asked his roommate to be his model. His roommate, by the way, is David Brently. You know, THE David Brently that actually got playing time in the first football game of the year as a freshman. Soo… he’s probably had a blow job or at least some over the pants stuff by now.

The two young men unscrewed the mirror that hangs on the back of all the dorm room doors and headed for the local park. Brent Davis had a very good idea. “Hold the mirror in front of your torso so when I take a picture of you I see the reflection of the park and not your torso,” said Davis. A few shifts of the f-stop and a couple of alterations of the ISO later, the two had crafted true meaningful and honest art. Davis was excited to rub it in the face of his obviously inferior classmates the next day. 

Brent also used the burn tool in Photoshop a lot because Brent was a swag king and this was going to be his big break at this school.

The next day rolled around and the professor asked everyone to print out and pin their picture to the wall. What happened next, Brent Davis did not see coming. 

Almost every student had unscrewed the same mirror off their dorm room door and made it look like their roommate had no torso! Every student but, Bobbie Barry who took a box of tampons and put money all around it claiming it was social commentary but, clearly was done minutes before the class because you could see the same outfit Bobbie was wearing that day in the background of the photo.

We asked Brent Davis how he felt when leaving the class. “Freak occurrence there's no way I’m not the best at everything,” said Davis.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

Child Thinks They Are A Pokémon. Child Is In Fact A Human Child

Rocky Hill, CT

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Early this morning a photoshoot took place but, not just any ole photoshoot, a photoshoot in Carol Lynn’s front yard. Lynn was snapping pics per the request of her son Gregory who wanted to “document how much he looked like a Pokémon because he never wanted to forget this moment.” 

The problem became clear early on in the photoshoot. Young Gregory not only thought he looked like a Pokémon but actually thought he was one.

“The kid just took his shirt off, began thrashing around in a pile of rocks and began saying I am Geodude, I AM GEODUDE. The kid has ADHD for sure, but probably something else- ya know what I’ll hold my tongue.” said neighbor and father of zero Jim Johnson.

Carol Lynn just kept taking pictures. She let her Pokémon of a son flounder and the locomote all over the front yard yelling utter nonsense like “My HP! I have no HP oh No an ULTRA BALL. ENSLAVEMENT! ENSLAVEMENT!” 

Eventually, this little Pokémon ran out of energy. He slowed down. He laid headfirst sprawled out across the now churned up grass. “Greg?” said Carol, you know you’re in fact a human child right? Gregory?” 

Gregory mustered with his last ounce of energy.  “NO I GEODUDE!”

“Okay Geodude, well I’m Golem, a dual-type Rock/Ground Pokémon introduced in Generation I. Golem evolves from Graveler when trained and is the final form of Geodude. And It’s time for lunch,” said Carol Lynn.

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-A Well-Mannered Grump

But... Man Couldn't Have Committed Crime, Man Has Two Daughters And A Wife

Evanston, IL

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On the morning of September 12th, Frank Darnold (55)  was accused of “very bad crime”. This took the Evanston community by surprise because Darnold was for his whole life an upstanding citizen and had never committed “very bad crime” before, plus, he has two daughters and a wife. GEE McGEEE GIVE ME A BREAK!

Everyone knows no man who is a father to a daughter can do even an ounce of wrong… right? Well, apparently some people aren’t privy to such common knowledge and still accuse fathers of daughters of “very bad crime”. Unbelievable!  While we’re optimistic that this paternal hero will find the liberation he deserves... until then we still have a responsibility to keep the people up to date on the alleged “very bad crime”. 

The scene of the crime was a “very spooky place” which we don’t know how Darnold even knew how to get to, given that Darnold was a married man with children. A MARRIED MAN WITH CHILDREN SHEESH! Anyway, the weapon of choice was a “very illegal object” which apparently, Frank Darnold was supposed to have known how to buy on the “very dark web”. The man has two daughters! WHERE WOULD HE FIND THE TIME! The police say they have “very clear photo evidence” of Mr. Darnold committing “very bad crime” but, we just don’t buy it. We’ve attached the so-called photo evidence so you can make a judgment call for yourself. 

Darnold has been taken into questioning at the Evanston police office. We expect him to be released soon given that he is a man with a family and a family with money at that! Keep your fingers crossed that this helpless victim is set free as soon as possible.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

Straight Couple Practically Having Sex In Front of You Thinks Gay Pride is “A Little Much”

Public Location, Near You

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The straight couple that is basically having sex in front of perfect strangers on the subway (AKA a very public place (this info for the layman)) thinks that gay pride is “a little much.” 

“I get that it needs to exist. Pride is important, but like I saw a guy wearing a jockstrap coming out of a gay bar once...and I don’t know it just seemed like it was... I don’t know excessive?” said the man, Cameron Britton mid literal French kiss with his girlfriend Danielle Brown. 

While the irony was not lost on the strangers on the subway car in question that the couple was further soiling, it certainly seems to have been lost on Britton and Brown. 

“I mean I think it’s great that people celebrate their gender expression and sexuality. I’m an ally. I’ve seen Queer Eye. At one point during the pride parade, this lesbian couple wearing pasties on their nipples just like... kissed in the middle of the road. I was just kinda like...is that necessary?” Brown said gingerly rubbing Britton’s crotch. 

Onlookers were visibly irked both by the overt genital groping and the overt double standard. 

“Do we have unimaginably privileged being heterosexual? Yes.  But....why was no one wearing a shirt at pride?” Said Britton, whose shirt was off for some reason on the subway. 

A few onlookers looked like they might want to change cars or even say something to the couple. 

“Yeah, I didn’t say anything because straight people are so sensitive,” said straphanger David Garfield. “Besides, one false move and a straight man pulls out a gun to defend their unearned privilege.” 

Perhaps small potatoes to Brown now practically mounting Britton, the pair was taking up several seats on the train. 

“Also...I will say I don’t think it’s right that I can’t go to gay spaces. I’m an ally. And it’s not easy being an ally. I have an uncle who is super homophobic,” said Brown. “Thanksgivings are hard for me.” 

“Look, we saw Dear Evan Hansen. In terms of allies go we are it. But like….Why do they have to cause traffic jams for the parade? Right? I mean you never see my girl and me causing a public spectacle,” said Britton whose pants were off. 

-A Well-Mannered Grump

Patrick Star Can't JUUL For Shit! What Does He Live Under A Rock Or Something?

We’re Not In Bikini Bottom, Anymore

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The school year is underway at Farmington High School and the “cool cats” have already separated themselves from the “total ass-wad losers”. Among the latter is a new student, Patrick Star who has really made a fool of himself on day one when he put a JUUL in his mouth backward. In the words of the volleyball team captain Sasha Rice, “the dude can’t JUUL for shit! It’s like he’s lived under a rock or something”.

Yes, the once lovable cartoon starfish is now the laughingstock of Farming High. He makes the rest of the students embarrassed to wear the white and maroon. The scene of the crime was Mrs. Thompson’s homeroom, room 302. 

“JUUL’s aren't allowed to in school obviously, but I like to be the fun teacher so I let some things slide during homeroom. Sometimes the kids use vaporizers and I look the other way. Normally the kiddos are discrete and respectful but, the other day, a commotion began in the back of the class, I investigated, and man oh man this starfish tried to use a JUUL upside-down. He deserved any and all ridicule he received.” said Mrs. Thompson.

“The dude just obvi can’t hang.” said Sk8er boi and vape god Seth Thomas.

When we asked Star how he is holding up among the turmoil he had the following to say. 

“Is a JUUL an instrument?”

-The Well-Mannered Grump

Jessica Feeling Good About Herself Today

Farmington, CT

Thanks to social media, we live in a world where we can keep up to date with our friends and family almost constantly. This is how we were able to keep tabs on Jessica Lowe. Lowe made a post on Instagram this Saturday morning at 11 am. Lowe just wanted everybody to know that she was having a completely authentic, down the earth, and  “in the moment” good day. She definitely was not speaking attention hoping it would solve her deep insecurity problems.

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Sure the picture is a short term solution for Lowe’s insecurity. A few hundred likes and a few insincere comments later, Lowe would likely feel a little better about herself. This feeling would wear off. It always does. Perhaps it was her intention or maybe it wasn’t but everyone now knows Jessica Lowe needed to share with the general public that she was “feeling good about herself today”. 

There is an important distinction being made here. Someone “feeling good about themselves” is very different than someone needing others to see that they are “feeling good about themselves”.

Today we live in a world where people are becoming fans of their friends, rather than friends with their friends. This drives people to put a mask on and pretend things are perfect on the internet. This mask will inevitably carry over to face to face interactions where we will inevitably turn to our screens, our fake life when uncomfortable.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

English Professor Names Newborn "Emerson" To Indicate Cultural Superiority

Sarah Lawrence College, NY

Professor Waldo wants you to know she’s read a book .

Professor Waldo wants you to know she’s read a book .

Professor Waldo gave birth to her firstborn child this past Monday. Upon opening her email she was meet with a flurry of congratulations and questions pertaining to the baby’s name. She had prepared for this moment.  Waldo wouldn't just name her son, she would give him a brand, a brand that would show all the other parents around that she reads books. Waldo named her son Emerson.

“Emerson is the perfect name to assert my intellectual prowess and overall superiority over the other parents I who may cross my path throughout my tenure as a child raiser.” said Waldo. She is right to make such a claim, it has been proven through...like... vague feelings and general vibes and stuff, that children with somewhat gender-fluid names based on famous literary figures make their parents look like total nerds. 

We hope all the best for the clearly insecure professor of English and offer up one more sincerer congratulations on her beautiful Emerson.

For those looking to follow in Professor Waldo’s footsteps, our research team has put together a foolproof guide to finding a name that makes you look smart.

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- A Well-Mannenred Grump

3 Harem Pants To Big Time Mess Yourself In

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One of life’s most enduring questions is always: can I mess myself in these harem pants? If you are not a seasoned professional stylist, this question becomes especially tricky. Here are five fun (and certainly appropriative) harem pants that you may or not be able to take a big ole dump in.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

BARISTA’S DADDY PROBLEMS STARTING TO SHOW IN LATTE ART

Mr. Hillyard’s Face Poppin Up In Ur Latte’s In Yo Latte’s? You Need To Read This Article.

Mr. Hillyard’s Face Poppin Up In Ur Latte’s In Yo Latte’s? You Need To Read This Article.

Chicago, IL

Jackie Hillyard has been working at the Dark Matter Coffee shop off the Belmont stop for nearly a year and has been nothing but, an ideal employee. This was until this past Monday when her Daddy problems started to bleed through into her latte art. 

“Look, Jackie’s been nothing but good for my shop. But, I can’t have people bringing whatever they’ve got going on in the home to work. My lavender lattes have some of the highest margins in the store, I can’t have Mr. Robert Hillyard’s face popping up in a bestseller, scarring my customers away.” said Jesse Diaz owner of the Dark Matter coffee chain.

What’s striking about Diaz’s comments were their negativity. Diaz has a reputation as being a super dope and down to earth dude which means Hillyard must have really been acting some kind of way to elicit this sort of response. To better understand the full story we sat down with Dark Matter frequent customer  Paul Tyler James. The three first named gentlemen declined to comment but, James did send us the Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, and Threat (SWOT) Analysis chart.

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As you can see the coffee shop is amazing but Jackie need to GET👏 HER 👏 SHIT 👏 TO 👏 GET 👏 HER👏👏👏!

-A Well-Mannered Grump

KYLE FINE WITH EMILY TALKING WITH ERIC AND NOT KYLE AGAIN

Chicago, IL

“You’re going to Buffalo Wild Wings Tonight? Okay… Sure… That sounds right. “

“You’re going to Buffalo Wild Wings Tonight? Okay… Sure… That sounds right. “

It’s getting hot in the office over at Leo Burnett, causing some boiling by the water cooler. Sure, Eric and Emily are chatting it up again, but like Kyle is TOTALLY FINE with that for your information! 

Sure Kyle had feelings for Emily at one point earlier in the summer but he’s waaay over that now. Sure Emily offered Kyle a sip of her White Claw when they went out on her Uncle’s boat but, it’s not like Kyle thought that meant she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him or anything. So what if Kyle got Emily for the summer secret Santa thing they do for some reason. So what if Kyle spent way more than the twenty dollar maximum on the necklace Emily left up on her screen when she went to the bathroom. So friking what if Emily has been talking with Eric from accounting and not Kyle from billing! SO WHAT!

“Kyle is a cute kid but he's just not what I’m looking for right now. I think he thought I was into him but really I was just being a nice friend. I invite everyone from the company on my Uncle’s boat. It’s a huge boat.” said Emily.

“Yah Kyle plays pick-up ball with us sometimes after work and to be real with you, I don’t think he’s mature enough for a relationship at all right now. It’s kinda obvious he’s into Emily but, it’s not my job to make everyone happy. I gotta put Eric first and Eric wants to put Emily first. I’m a good guy.” commented Eric.

In sum, Kyle is cool with Eric and Emily and everything, no hard feelings ya know. Rumor has it Kyle has his eye on Jenna from marketing who has been getting close to Sandra in HR by the Microwave lately.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

KIDS HAVE A FUN SUMMER

Lisle, IL

“Look mom! I’m simulating a pool party!”

“Look mom! I’m simulating a pool party!”

At the end of the school year last June, Lacy Webster asked her children what they wanted to do this summer. “Have fun!” they said. Webster laughed and said “Okay you silly geese, but HOW do you want to have fun?” “Sit inside and poke screens Mommy!” they responded.

And poke they did, all summer long. Webster attempted many times to get her children up off their butts but, in the words of Stacy Webster (12),” it’s harder to poke screens if i’m up off my butt. I would rather sit on my butt and poke a screen.” 

We asked Lacy Webster why she thought her children were behaving this way. “I mean they’re definitely smarter than me when I was their age because they teach themselves crazy things on these devices everyday, so I guess it’s not the worst thing. The other day I came back from my Yoga class and they had designed an APP. Like the kind that goes on your phone. That can get you a job! A real job!” said Webster.

While her initial response seemed to defend her children’s behavior, when we prompted her to discuss any potential negatives of this behavior in young people she also had quite a bit to say. “I mean look, obviously I worry about it. Throughout all of history pretty much, children haven't had the option to be absorbed by a lighted screen so of course I worry that we’ve all been doing it too much. I don’t want to sound like a crotchety old woman here but, isn’t there something pure and natural about kids getting dirty and running around?” stated Webster.

There’s only a few weeks left until summer comes to an end and Lacy Webster ships her children off to public school so the teachers have to deal with these sorts of things for half the day while she can finally go back to working full-time doing what she loves most… data analytics

Below is a projected family tree that shows what Stacy Webster’s (12) kids may look like.

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-A Well-Mannered Grump

GRANDDAUGHTER FINDS THE BOOK SHE’S LOOKING FOR IN A ROOM FULL OF GRANDPAS

Harold Washington Library

Chicago, IL

“Has Anyone Seen The Book I’m Looking For?”

“Has Anyone Seen The Book I’m Looking For?”

Sam Silver was born and raised on the near west side in Chicago, Illinois. She and her family have many fond memories of taking the “L” into the loop and setting up shop for the day at the famous Harold Washington Library. Now that Silver is about to ship off to The University of Miami in just a few weeks she asked her grandfather for one last hoorah. Besides Sam had to find this particular edition of “One Hundred Years Of Solitude” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez for introductory Spanish. This visit was different. On this visit grandpa Silver went missing.

One moment Silver was telling her grandfather to wait for her while she went to the restroom, the next, Silver was going full-on Judy Blume on his ass.

Unbenounced to his granddaughter, Earl Silver just so happened to run into an old college pal while young Sam was in the lavatory.  It wasn’t just any college buddy, it was Jim (the hustler) Bloom himself. You see back in the 70’s at The University of Cincinnati, Jim Bloom was notorious for going into the local pool halls and pulling the ole “Drake and Josh Season 2 Episode 5”. For those unfamiliar with this television classic, IMBD defines the episode as “Drake takes advantage of Josh's billiard skills by hustling local kids and swindling them out of their money.” 

So naturally these two swagmisters picked up right where they left off. Bloom and Grandpa Silver called all their old college buddies or, at least the ones that were still alive and turnt the fuck up!

Meanwhile, Sam Silver was coming up on a half hour of searching and she thought it may be time for a new approach. “If I wasn’t going to find them, I was going to let them find me. I mean how far could they have gotten?” 

Jim and Earl had catering delivered from Quiznos to the top floor… the restricted section. They got a lot of nos from their college buddies who now all live in Florida so they opted to go party patron recruiting throughout the library, everywhere but the second floor where Sam happend to make the decision to stay put and wait. 

A half hour turned into an hour and then to two and finally Sam decided to take action. 

“Would a Mr. Earl Silver please come to the second floor reception desk. Earl Silver to the second floor reception desk.” echoed the voice of the librarian through the PA system. 

Of course by this time the DJ had arrived to the impromptu rager in the restricted section and the announcement was washed out by an oddly catchy EDM Sinatra mashup. 

A minute turned into five and five quickly became fifteen. Sam was fed up with this. She spent the next hour scouring every nook and cranny of the nine story building. Out of breath and sweating rather noticeably Silver approached the top step where she plunked herself down. She let out a frustrated growl.

“You okay kid?” asked an old man who was peering out from a room with music blaring.

“Yah. Yah, I’m fine. You have any water?” asked Silver.

“Sure do. Come on in.”

Silver entered the room and there must have been forty absolutely hammered senior citizens going HAM. In the middle of it all was some old guy grinding up on some other old guy in front of a shelf that read Gabriel Garcia Marquez. She had found the book she was looking for. 

Silver then noticed the man grinding up on this dude was her grandpa Earl.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

JACK GOT A CAR AS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL! HE’S SURE TO GET LAID NOW!

Akron, OH

Calling all OrangeMen of Ellet High! Please, consider this is the official decree that Jack Rowe, former nerd and pimple faced punk is officially cool this year! Why you ask… Because, Jack Rowe’s dad just upgraded his old car to a new 2019 Honda Ridgeline OOOOOHH!

Give Me An S! T! U! D! What’s That Spell? JACK!

Give Me An S! T! U! D! What’s That Spell? JACK!

But wait, why does that mean Lil Jack is going to be a cool kid this year? Well because this means someone inherits a bright red 2001 Honda Accord! Does anyone else smell sex on the horizon? Don’t just take it from us, have a look at what Principal Michelle Marquess-Kearns has to say on the topic…

“Now our Softball team won the state championship back in 1996. I was on that team. I have never been more excited for a series of events to unfold in Akron Ohio I heard the news that Lil Loser Jack Rowe was gonna get himself a sex-mobile.” stated Principal Michelle Marquess-Kearns.

The city of Akron is a buzz for the first day of school and bets are already being placed on how long it will take for Rowe to lose his virginity. I’ve got my money on pre-homecoming and to someone on the volleyball team! Dare I drop McKenzie Winter’s name as a possible suitor? 

Okay, okay, I’m giving into the gossip but I’m excited! Let’s shift gears and throw some data to back up my prediction. Below some cold hard DATA!

The Numbers Speak For Themselves!

The Numbers Speak For Themselves!

Also… like Ryan on the Cross-Country team was like so ugo before he had a car and now he hit puberty so like coincidence like no right?

Get yourself a car folks ;). And keep an eye out for Jack Rowe this year LAWL.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

MAN CONVINCED WOMAN CONDUCTING INTERVIEW KNOWS HE ATE ASS FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT

Hartford, CT

“She Knows… I’m Scum… And She Knows“

“She Knows… I’m Scum… And She Knows“

Phil McMan sat in the office of a well established insurance company hoping to score a high paying job with benefits this past Monday. McMan was eager, resume in hand when he was greeted by the woman who would be interviewing him. That’s when it hit him. McMan couldn’t get it out of his head. Phil McMan was absolutely convinced that this woman knew that he ate ass for the first time last night.

While there was no hard proof that the interviewer Rebecca Robinson knew anything of the ass eating, she did pick up on a few breadcrumbs as the interview progressed. Below is a transcript of the aforementioned interview.

Robinson: Thanks for coming in today, would you like anything to eat or drink?

McMan: Huh, what, eat? No. I don’t eat. Uh. I mean… I’m full. From food.

Robinson: Ummm okiedokie then. So we’ve looked over your resume and you seem like a good fit. You are a little young. Are you experienced enough for a managerial position?

McMan: Experienced? Position? Did you say venereal?

Robinson: Umm. No. I’m sorry do you need a moment?

McMan: No! No! I’m fine… I’m fine.

Robinson: Okay. Why don’t you ask me something about the company.

McMan: Okay! I can do that. Sure, no problem… What… are … the benefits yah that a good one. What types of benefits packages do offer?

Robinson: Good question.

McMan: You know insurance packages. Insurance benefits. This is an insurance company after all! Haha. 

Robinson: Riiiiight. Can I ask you something?

McMan: Suuuure?

Robinson: You mind getting your head out of your ass for this interview? I’m really behind on hiring and i need you to work out.

McMan: I’ve never eaten ass what do you mean?

Robinson:... What… do… you… mean.

McMan: Ummm I’d like to have a good explanation, but I don’t. I ate ass for the first time last night and I was nervous.

Robinson: You were nervous because you thought I knew you ate ass last night?

McMan: Yes…

Robinson: Why would you be nervous the insurance industry is full of brown-nosers!

Well folks, sometimes a story wraps up nicely and with a bow. We’re happy to announce that the Travelers Insurance Company found itself a new Media Marketing Manager and he goes by the name of Phil McMan. Around the office however, they just affectionately call him shitface.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

STUDY FINDS WOMEN ARE FINE WITH TUBE SOCKS AS LONG AS YOU ARE TOTALLY SHREDDED AND 14” TALL

Chicago, IL

Bobby House Pulling Off The Tube Socks Like A Champ.

Bobby House Pulling Off The Tube Socks Like A Champ.

Bobby House isn’t quite what the typical person would describe as a fashion aficionado. Most days he can be seen walking the streets of Chicago in a simple graphic tee, a breathable pant, and long white tube socks he bought in bulk. One might think, given the variables House opted to plug into the fashion equation, that the sum of women interested in him are close to nothing. 

This would be the case if…

Bobby wasn’t absolutely shredded and 14 inches tall.

You see a new study found that while traditionally knee high bleach white tube socks have been a huge turn off for women there are some body types that can pull it off.  Below is a diagram that takes a deeper dive into the numbers.

WHEN IT'S OK TO WEAR TUBE SOCKS.png

For the more number savvy the formula used to calculate what type of person can pull of white knee high tube socks is as follows ; Where S = Are the shredded and 14” = Are they 14” tall.

S + 14”= 👍

Now that we’ve discussed the quantitative side of this study lets dive deeper into the “why”. Let’s qualify this bad boy.

You see a knee high tube sock on a 14” tall man is like probably almost the same amount of fabric used to make a sensible no-show sock for normal sized people so like this is like probably why it’s cool.

 As far as the shredded portion goes… as much as society seems to chastise men for objectifying women the same standard doesn't seem to hold true when it comes to men being objectified by women. Of course this may be because the number of cases in which men sexually harass women far surpass the number cases where the roles are reversed.

Anyway, a huge kudos to Bobby House for being able to snag some tail and live out his lifelong dream of sporting long ass white tube socks on a daily basis.

-A Well-Mannered Grump