OWNING A GUN IS FAMILY’S LIKE WHOLE PERSONALITY THOUGH

Springfield, IL

The Fortsmith family straight cheezin.

The Fortsmith family straight cheezin.

The Fortsmith family has raised their children in Illinois’ capital for generations. Their history goes all the way back to the early 1800s when the state was founded. As the patriarch of the household put it, “We’re a gun family! I’m a gun man because my daddy was a gun man, his daddy was a gun man and we don’t know near nothin else.” 

We took it upon ourselves to read between the lines and interpret what Mr. Fortsmith was likely saying. Our guess is as follows; “I know guns haven’t had the best reputation recently but, if I don’t have my semi-automatic rifle I don’t know what I would talk about. What would I pose with in pictures on the internet so people from high school still think I go on runs and have a fully functioning weener? What will I use as a surprising truth when playing two truths and a lie when my daughter’s bad boy liberal boyfriend wants to “get to know the family better? Owning a Sig Sauer M400 semiautomatic assault rifle is kinda like our family’s whole thing, ya know? Because it’s my thing and my thing has to be the family’s thing or I will throw a serious hissy fit.”

Mr. Fortsmith isn’t alone. There are plenty of families who struggle to find a life’s purpose and have trouble coping with the uncertainty for humanity so they attach themselves to a thing, in this case, a highly dangerous firearm. 

Other common substitutes for self-actualization include but are not limited to;

  • The Catholic Church

  • Eastern Orthodox Church

  • The Protestant Church

  • Twitter

  • All Other Forms of Religion That The American Government Wishes Would Just Be Christianity Already

  • People Who Only Make Conversation With People With Their Own Sexual Orientation.

  • The Musical Rent Church

  • The Non-Musical Theatre But Real Acting Church

  • College 

  • The NFL

  • THE MLBNHLNBAMLSLALIGAETC Church

  • The Watching YouTube Tutorials On How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube So You Can Impress Women Quietly With Your Intellect In The Corner At A Party But Only The Two Other Men Who Watched The Same Tutorial Pay Attention To You So You Will Then In Return Circle Jerk Their Waste Of Time On YouTube While They Solve The Same Meaningless Collection Of Colorful Cubes That Make Up A Bigger Cube While Gossiping About The Happenings Of The E-League On TBS

  • Alcoholics Anonymous

  • Narcotics Anonymous

  • Owners Of Niche Reusable Starbucks Coffee Containers

  • People Who Comment On Satire Posts On Instagram

Please feel free to comment below with any we forgot to mention.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

BOY WITH TOURETTE'S LOSSES QUIET GAME

Cromwell, CT

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Following the celebration that revolves around Cromwell Connecticut’s Little League Opening Day, four rambunctious little ball players piled into the back of a freshly washed Honda Odyssey.  Donna Jones (54) and mother of two was behind the wheel of the van, on her way to the local creamery when she proposed a game to help settle down the boys during their eight minute drive. “It’s called the quiet game” said Jones “If you’re not quite, you lose.”

The game ended almost as quickly as it began. A mere thirty seconds had passed and all of a sudden... from way way back in the van... came a sound.

Jones is a busy parent and is often unable to attend baseball games or events of that nature, so she didn't know the two friends her sons had asked to tag along and grab a cone of ice cream. Given this information, she certainly didn’t know that one of the boys, Ricky Katz (11 and 1 month) had a rather severe case of Tourette’s syndrome.

The game got under way and almost immediately, Katz (11 and 1 month) involuntarily conjured a guttural “HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH HUUUH HUHHHH hUMMMMMMMM PHSUUUUUU HMM HMM HMMM”, giving Jones (A youthful looking 54) a bit of a jump scare and causing her to say “Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?”

The deep burgundy Honda Odyssey grew silent. Jones could tell something was wrong. Her eldest son, Brian (11 and 4 months) hesitantly said “Mom, Ricky has Tourette’s.” Donna Jones (still 54 not 54 and 11 months) responded, “Oh my gosh, I am soooo sorry. I did not know that. We can play a different game.” “No that’s okay. We can play this one.” said Ricky. “Are you sure?” “Yah absolutely. If I win, maaaan I can make fun of whoever loses soo frickin bad.”

Just as they were about to jump into the game again the van arrived at the ice cream shop. “Alright who wants ice cream?” shouted Jones (54 and fine yes almost 55). The question was meet by cheers. Ricky however, stood silent. “Ricky, what’s wrong?” “I’m lactose intolerant.” The group froze and looked at one another. “But I can have sherbet! I’m glad you guys invited me. I’m having a blast.”

— A Well-Mannered Grump

I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND WAS A FEMINIST UNTIL I REALIZED HE WAS JUST A PILE OF ROCKS WITH A PUSSY HAT ON TOP

Glastonbury, CT

I used to think my boyfriend, Mark was a feminist because he never interrupted me, played devil’s advocate, pressured me into sex, ghosted me, or used violence to express emotion. However, that all came to a screeching halt the day I realized he was just a pile of rocks with a pussy hat on top.

Before this relationship, I dated a slew of men, who were constantly asking for nudes or interrupting me to mansplain. Mark was different I thought. He never mansplained, he never asked for nudes. In fact he never asked anything. I also just assumed Mark was a feminist because, best of all, he wore a pussy hat at all times.

My friends tried to tell me. “Jesse, I think Mark might just be…a pile of rocks…with a pussy hat on top,” they would say. “No, he’s just a feminist,” I would answer. I used to feel bad for my friends. I figured that just because our relationship was rooted in cooperation, rather than competition that my friends assumed that perhaps Mark was not a human man. I also assumed they were just jealous.

It wasn’t until a cool summer’s breeze gently blew through our apartment, knocking Mark’s hat to the floor did I realize the terrible truth: Mark was no feminist. Far from it, in fact he was just a pile of rocks with a pussy hat on top.

In retrospect there were warning signs. I mistook Mark’s silence for allyship. My story is a cautionary one: you cannot be a feminist if you are not a sentient being. Ladies, if this can happen to me, it can certainly happen to you. Ask yourself: is my boyfriend a feminist, or is he just a pile of rocks with a pussy hat on top?

— A Well-Mannered Grump

USE DEVASTATING CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT TO JUSTIFY ALL YOUR TOXIC BEHAVIORS

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Let’s play a little game called “Good For You / Bad For You.” You read the news, you upstanding citizen! Good for you! You are now crying on the phone to your mom because, according to the latest report on climate change by an Australian think-tank, unless the world can get its shit together real fast, humans will start going extinct in thirty years. Bad for you! Except now you have the perfect excuse to justify all your toxic behaviors… Good for you? Here’s how to get started, before everything gets ended.

Fuck Without Condoms

You used to care about your health, like not receiving STIs. Whatever! The rich people and corporations that are contributing the most to the climate crisis are fucking us all without condoms! So go get your freak on, because we’re all dying thirty years before what our life expectancy would have been anyway.

Anonymously Report Your Ex on Facebook…Again

Okay, so Adam is getting suspicious. He just posted an angry Facebook status about continually being reported for no reason, and he also private messaged you to ask if you were behind this, to which you didn’t respond. But being petty on social media is a privilege that we won’t have for long, so we might as well take full advantage. Report that new vacation photo with his fiancée McKinzy. Why is her name spelled so weird??

Pull Out Your Tupperware for Leftovers at the Office Party

Yeah, your coworkers are going to judge you, but now you can judge them back in peace. You’re saving up for your one-way ticket to another habitable planet, and that meant dipping into your groceries budget. STFU, Randy from accounting! You’re like eighty, you’ll be dead either way!

Tell Samantha, Yes She Should Get That Haircut

She’s going to look like a llama that ran through a wood chipper, but who cares? It’s not like her grandkids will be looking at these photos. Ha! Who among us with a moral conscience could bring children into this godforsaken world?

Squeeze Lemons When You Already Have a Cut

You dumb masochistic bitch.

Link to Vice article:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/597kpd/new-report-suggests-high-likelihood-of-human-civilization-coming-to-an-end-in-2050?fbclid=IwAR3P_uIx-mULrBVl7t9HdsYccWq6MTsuiXxFWYRi_WrIjfYwz73yw4owmKw

— A Well-Mannered Grump

NEW STUDY ASKS: IS IT LOVE OR DOES HE JUST NOT HAVE A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ASSAULT?

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A new study at Harvard University asks the age old question: is it love or does he just not have a history of sexual assault? The answer much to the surprise of the greater scientific community is: no. According to new research published today...you’re probably not in love...you’re just settling because at least he hasn’t assaulted anyone....that you know of.

“Like he could be mediocre as hell, but the standards for straight men and their conduct

are so low,” said Dr. Jessica Gershwin, a psychology professor at Harvard University and the lead author of the study. “The bar is so low, folks.”

But just because he doesn’t have a history of sexual violence doesn’t mean he isn’t heinous in other ways...says the science. According to the study rooted in science, just because he’s not a serial rapist, doesn’t mean he isn’t rude to waiters or that he doesn’t play devil's advocate when someone brings up the Civil War.

“Look, just because he’s not Ted Bundy and just because he maybe remembered that your mom’s name was maybe Linda, doesn’t mean he’s ‘considerate’ or has your ‘best interest at heart.’ It’s science. We did science on it,” said Dr. Gershwin.

The idea that you should take his shit just because he isn’t “that bad” is still a relatively new concept so it is not surprising to that the greater community can’t quite make sense of these results.

“To answer the question, yes perhaps he doesn’t have a history of murdering women, but that doesn’t mean you’ve hit the jackpot,” Dr. Gershwin said. “We concluded that you don’t need to excuse terrible behavior just because he didn’t kill your roommate and eat her hands.”

— A Well-Mannered Grump

PLANNED PARENTHOOD CANVASSER WORRIED IN A PAST LIFE SHE WAS ONE OF DONALD TRUMP’S SPERM.

Seattle, WA

The sun was out for one of the first times this past week in Seattle, Washington, and so were the canvassers on every street corner asking, “do you have a moment.” Everything was playing out as it normally does, people were avoiding eye contact, lying about the amount of time they have, or saying they donate in other ways. Today, however, was different for one Planned Parenthood canvasser who happened to be at a particularly slow intersection and had gone to a palm reader the night before. Samantha Roberts had a feeling deep inside her that maybe… just maybe… in a past life she had been one of Donald Trump’s prematurely ejaculated sperm.

Pedestrians passing by began to worry when they saw Samantha writhing around in the middle of the road shouting “CURSE YOU MADAME ZERONI”! For our readers who are unaware, Madame Zeroni is Zero’s great great great grandmother. Madame Zeroni was the woman who cursed Eyla Yelnats and his family line. She was portrayed by the late Eartha Kitt in the film adaptation of the novel Holes. We believe she was referring to the palm reader she had seen the night prior.

While we don’t think Samantha intended to be offensive by comparing her palm reader, who was of African descent, to the the character, yet she did it. And as we all know, anyone who slightly strays from the realm of politically correct language shall be ostracized and ignored for the rest of their life, and certainly not allowed to support important causes like women’s reproductive rights.

We sat down with Roberts to discuss the incident. “I saw a MAGA shirt on a man clipping his nails at a coffee shop across the street and I felt it rush over me, the out-of-body feeling that I, at one point, was one of the President’s gaggle of pre-cum… not that he’s MY president”.  At this moment Samantha began to shake, quiver, and writhe on the floor of the Peet's Coffee shop We pretended not to know her because “come on dude, stop making a scene”.

Robert’s has very bad medical insurance, so she can’t afford treatment of any kind. She hopes to one day leave her new job at True Value and give a therapist ninety dollars for a thirty minute conversation about Baby Bottle Pops and their influence on her fashion choices.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

COHEN CALLS TRUMP A “RACIST, CONMAN, AND CHEAT”, TRUMP CALLS COHEN A “LITTLE SALLY SISSY PUSSY GIRL”

Capitol Hill, D.C

Just this morning Michael Dean Cohen sat down in front of the House Oversight Committee intending come clean about President Trump. In his opening statement Mr. Cohen said, in reference to Mr. Trump: “He is a racist. He is a conman. He is a cheat.” President Trump responded in a tweet saying, “Pshhhhh, sure, sure I might say words like the words he is saying...if I were a little sally sissy pussy girl.”

When asked why he used the language he did, Mr. Trump said, “I don’t know why you people, you media, fake media, fake news people are so concerned with what I do and what I say.” When we explained to Mr. Trump what his job was and what is expected of him, the president asked, “Is the president allowed to eat GoGurt?” While we are fairly certain GoGurt is allowed within The White House, we are still unsure whether or not books are authorized in the building during the current administration. We thought we would inquire...

“Books? I don’t know why all you writer, smarmy writer, journalist, fake journalist people care about what books I’ve read,” said the President. We asked if he could name one book. “@realDonaldTrump on twitter! Now there’s a good read!” Trump said as he burped. Mr. Trump went on to say, “One day I hope to stop the publishing of all books, so the poor and the Mexicans and especially the poor Mexicans—

We wrote 3000 more words in this article, but Mr. Trump’s current lawyer contacted us and offered us $500,000 to stop right here.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

“Read: Michael Cohen's Opening Statement to Congress.” CNN, Cable News Network, 27 Feb. 2019, www.cnn.com/2019/02/27/politics/cohen-testimony-read/index.html?no-st=1551291637.

OP ED: BERNIE SANDERS ANNOUNCES SECOND CAMPAIGN, AND I AM FULLY PREPARED TO ROUNDHOUSE KICK SOME CAPITALISTS

Burlington, VT

Bernie Sanders, Vermont senator and 2016 runner-up for the Democratic Party presidential candidate, officially announced his plans for a second presidential campaign on Tuesday, February 19, and I am now fully prepared to roundhouse kick some capitalists. I was never a bully in school, nor have I received any formal training in the martial arts, but I feel confident that my eighth grade obsession with Chuck Norris will enable me to adequately fulfill the task.

No capitalist will go unpenalized. Not my high school social studies teacher, who spent an entire semester masturbating philosophical on Reaganomics, a true APUSH rite of passage. Not my bachelor uncle Todd, who paid in part for my college housing. (Thanks, Todd. But also Todd, feel this foot!) Not even Miss Colleen, my mostly sweet elderly neighbor who once told me that she supports a free-market solution for healthcare. You’re going to wish you had universal healthcare now, byotch!

Basically, if you don’t believe in tuition-free public college, economic justice, and the corpocracy’s role in global warming, you can rest easy knowing that a kick will soon be delivered to you in a swift semicircle motion, per Google’s instructions on how to properly execute a roundhouse kick. This is a grassroots campaign, people! As in, your face will see the grass’ roots when I knock you to the ground — assuming, of course, that I can actually complete this somewhat advanced combat maneuver. If Bernie can raise over $6 million from over 225,000 donors within 24 hours of his campaign announcement, then this should be easy enough.

Am I a little nervous, now that I think on it, about promising to fight someone who probably aligns themselves with the political party that is also more likely to carry concealed weaponry, for the precise purpose of protecting themselves? Hmm. I’m going to go with a confident “no,” because it seems a little too late to turn this editorial around at this point. But actually, total coincidence, my leg kind of feels like it’s cramping… Does my calf muscle look like it could be spasming? No? Super weird, this never happens to me. I think I’m actually going to lie down for a minute. Maybe I’ll just drink some chamomile tea and check Twitter for a bit.

But MARK MY WORDS, capitalists! Once I’ve taken a nap, retweeted Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a few times, finished my non-caffeinated herbal beverage, advanced to at least a second-degree black belt, and paid off my student loan debt (including interest), I’m totally going to roundhouse-kick-your-asses!

— A Well-Mannered Grump

Kaplan, Thomas. “Bernie Sanders Raises $6 Million After Announcing Presidential Bid.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 20 Feb. 2019, www.nytimes.com/2019/02/20/us/politics/bernie-sanders-fundraising.html.

OP ED: IF TRUMP CAN DECLARE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY OVER A BORDER WALL, THEN I CAN DECLARE ONE OVER FLAT-BRIM CAPS

Washington, D.C.

This past Friday morning, President Trump announced that he will declare a national emergency in order to fund the wall bordering Mexico. There has been plenty of understandable outrage in response to this seriously authoritarian move. But I think the American people are ignoring a major component in all of this — if we’re just declaring national emergencies over anything these days, then I deserve to declare one, too. And I’m declaring it over flat-brim caps.

Trump may suggest that undocumented persons crossing the border are “an invasion of our country,” but believe me, any skateboard-toting douche-bag with the audacity to wear a flat-brim cap in 2019 is making a much more grievous invasion upon my daily life. Who gave these men the right? Not my America.

While Trump may think that $8 billion (a truly insane amount of money for a project easily thwarted by a tall ladder) is a wise investment towards border protection, I would counter-propose that we use those funds instead to pay for the men wearing flat-brim caps to get a haircut, or alternately, hair plugs. That’s why they insist on wearing the caps everywhere, right? Not because they actually like them? Right guys? (Either that, or the money could be allocated towards the Green New Deal. Although is a planet where men still wear flat-brim caps a planet I even want to continue living on?)  

The border wall is not a sophisticated concept, but neither is a dude with a flat-brim. Easy ways to spot them, even without their key sartorial choice, include the following: named Derek or Kevin, tried to sell you a vape once, leaves intentional hickeys, probably Libertarian. In short, a cultural group that we, as a country, can afford to alienate.

Much like the owner of a flat-brim cap whom I once erroneously hooked up with whilst he continued to wear it, Trump is an asshat — in this case, referring both to a stupid or contemptible person, and also a stupid or contemptible hat. Unlike Trump’s proposed national emergency, I don’t think mine would embolden the entire state of California to sue me. In fact, I think the nation, with one obvious demographic as an exception, could unite behind my proposal. That’s why I’ve decided to join fifteen-ish other presidential hopefuls in announcing my candidacy for 2020. See ya on the debate floor, Trump! And please, don’t make any new adjustments to your MAGA caps.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

Baker, P. (2019). Trump Declares a National Emergency, and Provokes a Constitutional Clash. [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/15/us/politics/national-emergency-trump.html [Accessed 16 Feb. 2019].

Hagan, C. and Miller, N. (2019). NPR Choice page. [online] Npr.org. Available at: https://www.npr.org/2019/02/15/695251288/donald-trump-we-ll-see-you-in-court-california-to-sue-over-emergency-declaration [Accessed 16 Feb. 2019].

Paletta, D., DeBonis, M. and Wagner, J. (2019). Trump declares national emergency on southern border in bid to build wall. [online] washingtonpost.com. Available at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trumps-border-emergency-the-president-plans-a-10-am-announcement-in-the-rose-garden/2019/02/15/f0310e62-3110-11e9-86ab-5d02109aeb01_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.e532e4799954 [Accessed 16 Feb. 2019].