Jimmy Fallon And Jennifer Lopez Slay The Miami Dolphins Defensive

Miami, Florida

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This past Sunday the NFL season kicked off and the Miami Dolphins faced off against the Lamar Jackson lead Baltimore Ravens. To the surprise of many fans, the two folks who stole the show and slayed the Miami Dolphins defense were late-night TV host, Jimmy Fallon, and American singer and actress Jenifer Lopez.

Quarterback Lamar Jackson had already thrown a deep bomb to the lightning-fast rookie WR Marquise Brown the play that stood out over the rest was made. It running back pass that went for a touchdown early in the first quarter that set the tone for the remainder of the competition… not that it was particularly competitive. 

Jackson took the snap into what looked to be a run/play-action set and just when it looked like he was going to hand the pigskin to running back Mark Ingram he pulled the ball and flipped it to the newly signed fullback Jennifer Lopez. Lopez took off. It appeared as if she was going to turn downfield and then she suddenly stopped. Lopez looked downhill, veered back and launched the ball taking the top off the Dolphins defense.

The ball soared brilliantly through the air, a perfect spiral. 

The ball descended after hitting it’s apex and rocketed towards the receiver at the 20-yard line. That receiver was, of course, Jimmy Fallon.

The ball landed softly and perfectly in Fallon's hands. Touchdown!

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-A Well-Mannered Grump

Boys Of Indianapolis Celebrate Women's Equality Day By Staring At Poster Of Andrew Luck And Questioning Why Bad Things Happen To Good People.

Indianapolis, OH

Little Freddie Is All Out Of Luck.

Little Freddie Is All Out Of Luck.

Over the weekend Andrew Luck announced his retirement from the NFL in rather shocking fashion. At just 29 years old many Indianapolis Colts fans were blindsided and are still dealing with the loss of what they thought was their franchise quarterback. This announcement comes just in time though, as today, Monday, August 26th also marks Women's Equality Day. The young men who call Ohio their home can spend the day like our foremothers would have wanted, balling their eyes out in front of a life-sized poster of Andrew Luck asking themselves why bad things happen to good people. 

The flood gates are open on Women's Equality Day in the buckeye state and for all the right reasons. Virtually any hope the Colts had of winning the Super Bowl this season laid in the hands of Mr. Andrew Luck and, with his departure, those hopes disappeared as well. 

On this Women's Equality Day we remember what matters. We remember #12 and his career 89.5 QB Rating. We remember Indianapolis’ finest’s 40 touchdown season in 2014. Most of all we remember Mr. Luck and his efforts to lead the Indianapolis Colts to a 21-7 Wild Card victory over the Huston Texans just last year in 2018. 

On this Women's Equality Day we, the people of Indianapolis, Ohio choose to remember the great Andrew Luck and the sacrifices he made throughout his all too short career.

May this feminist icon rest in peace.

May this feminist icon rest in peace.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

FUCKING ASSHOLE VOLENTEERS TO COACH BASKETBALL AND DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A KID ON THE TEAM BECAUSE HE’S INFERTILE

Acton, MA

John Barkley Literally on His Knees… And You’re Telling Me This Dude’s Not A Diddler???

John Barkley Literally on His Knees… And You’re Telling Me This Dude’s Not A Diddler???

Johnathan Barkley has always dreamed of coaching his child's basketball team since his father coached him. Barkley turned the big 3-0 this past weekend and the big day was accompanied with some pretty sour news in the form of a phone call from his doctor. Yes folks, John Barkley is infertile.

When prompted Barkley had the following to say about his dream of coaching his kin in pee-wee basketball; “My father coached us kids because he loved me, of course. He also did it for the love of the game and to share the sport he cared so much about with the youth of Acton Massachusetts. I hope to still follow in his footsteps and win the parks and rec championship this season because even if I can’t see the smile on my little boy or girls face as they make their first basket… I can sure as hell help other parents do so.

While some parents thought this was sweet most just saw Barkley as a kiddie diddler pervert.

“I think it’s a sweet story and a convincing one at that, but I know my kid and ain’t NO waaaay in hell anyone in their right mind would offer up 10 minutes of any day to spend time with that weasel not to mention a full season when the kid is sweaty as hell.” commented Rex Cox father of Rex Cox III who is the team's projected starting shooting guard.

“That dude’s a diddler! No doubt in my mind. Riddle me this, diddle me that. That dude’s a diddler!” said Rex James father of Blake James the team's projected bench warming hype man.

“He’s kinda hot I think our husbands aren’t really nervous he’s a diddler but more that he might be a younger, hotter, and more caring version of them that can’t get us pregnant again…” 

Added Carol Sanchez, mother of Mark Sanchez who most parents think was a mistake.

Below is a Venn diagram made by “The Coalition of Rexes” that aims to prove once and for all that this dude is a diddler! It should be noted that all the fathers of the children on the team are named Rex.

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It seems in an attempt to settle their case “The Coalition of Rexes” have actually succeeded in proving just that they are worried this dude firing blanks might be the suburban “Mr. Steal Yo Gurl.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

NO ONE WILL TALK TO MAN ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE THAT HASN'T STARTED YET

Phoenix, AZ

Tommy Rice Stares Longingly Into The Distance.

Tommy Rice Stares Longingly Into The Distance.

It is exactly one month from the opening day of the NFL season. This, of course, means Tommy Rice, Phoenix native and avid Arizona Cardinals football super-fan has 6 months of pent up fantasy football talk just waiting to explode out of him.  To Rice’s surprise, no one seemed to want to talk about the breakout potential of Christian Kirk now that number one overall pick Kyler Murray was behind center in Arizona.

Rice thought maybe the initial lack of enthusiasm he received was due to the types of people he was engaging in conversation. 

“I mean I guess I was being a little silly asking my boys with girlfriends to talk shop with me. Ya know what I mean? Like Pat Primavera is dating a banker, dudes, not gonna wanna spitball some stats around. Ya know what I mean?” said Rice.

It should be stated for the record that, yes, we did know what he meant although what he meant did seem to be vaguely sexist and hypercritical of men in loving relationships.

Rice then took his newly downloaded fantasy app to a neighborhood bar on a Monday at 12:30pm. He figured he should go right to the source and ask some like-minded individuals who also watched daytime sports talk shows on Fox Sports Go on their computers while drinking Miller Light what they thought of the upcoming season.

Rice, however, was met with a surprise upon entering “The Floppy Bird”, which is the super cool name of the aforementioned bar. The bar was full of a diverse crowd of all gendered people of many different races watching CNN and working on creating sources of passive income by day-trading or drop-shipping. 

Tommy Rice told us  “I did the only thing he that could bring him back to the good ole days when he and his boys would just talk fantasy and pussy all day long. Ya know what I mean?”

We did.

Rice went into the all-gender bathroom in the back of The Floppy Bird and joined a mock draft where he only drafted past domestic abusers and murderers to prove he was at least still really funny.

You know what he means?

Below is an image of Tommy Rice’s very funny fantasy football roster.

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-A Well-Mannered Grump

MADAM HOOCH THINKS QUAFFLE LOOKS FUNNY TODAY

Lyon Olympic Stadium, France

Madam Hooch or Megan Rapinoe?

Madam Hooch or Megan Rapinoe?

Today some of the world’s best took to the Quidditch pitch for the final match of the 2019 Women’s World Cup. Tensions were high at the top of the match as The United States faced off against The Netherlands. The USA team captain  Madam Hooch made an observation early on that the Quaffle looked different than she remembered.

This wasn’t the only oddity Hooch made note of, “There were plenty of strange things I noticed during today’s match.” said Hooch, she then went on to describe a few.

“Well for one, all of these fine witches were opting to play the game on foot. I looked for quite a while and not a single broomstick was to be seen. I felt quite foolish”. 

It was at this point we realized Madam Hooch had somehow done a little Lindsey Lohan Freaky Friday shit with the real USA Team Captain Megan Rapinoe. Hooch seemed unaware. Apparently, the Quidditch World Cup is held in the same location and at the same time as the muggle Soccer/Football World Cup. Strange but, that seems to be what this story is asking for to be plausible. We allowed Hooch to continue. 

“Also I observed people calling me Megan. Megan is not my name. I thought this was strange.” said Hooch. We then asked if she had ever heard of a sport called “soccer” she hadn’t. She’s from Britain. “Have you heard of a sport called “football?” we asked. “Yes!” Hooch replied with enthusiasm. 

After confirming Hooch’s knowledge of the sport we tried for a very very long time to explain that she was experiencing the plot of Freaky Friday staring Hollywood darlings Lindsey Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis. “Doesn't a supernatural Chinese restaurant waiter that overheard me wish I didn’t have the pressure of being a witch all the time seem like a far-fetched idea and a plot that certainly would not hold up over the course of a feature film?” questioned Hooch. “Doesn't any sort of mistake based plot in a wizarding world where there is a technology to literally turn back time seem a bit unbelievable?” we added. “I see your point.” Hooch responded as she nodded and scored the first goal of the 2019 World Cup. 

-A Well-Mannered Grump

PETE DAVIDSON A 2019 HOME RUN DERBY FAVORITE

Pete Davidson sporting a fresh Brewers jersey. A New Jersey. Not a New York.

Pete Davidson sporting a fresh Brewers jersey. A New Jersey. Not a New York.

The fourth of July just past us but, there's still plenty of America left to go around, America. Major League Baseball has it’s mid-season festivities right around the corner. The best of the best square off in the All-Star Game because, what's more American than really really good baseball played by really really good baseball people? Well, let us break it down. Small ball score sport not too good fun. Big bang theory hard-hit better smiles ands better baseball. Obviously, we’re talking about… THE HOME RUN DERBY! Eight of the sluggiest of sluggers slug it out to see who is the even sluggiest slugger. This year’s favorite is none other than the Milwaukee Brewers Pete Davidson.

Some of you may know Davidson from a television show that is only on very late on the weekends when everyone is out doing better things. For the majority of us, however, he is a New York Funny Man and now he’s the favorite to win the 2019 Home Run Derby. We asked Davidson how he manages to film a live television show most Saturday nights and play 162 baseball games in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “That's a different per-… ya know what f*** it. I have two very fast groundhogs as pets. I keep one in NYC and the other in Milwaukee. While I am being a funny man in NYC or an outfielder in Wisconsin each groundhog has certain responsibilities depending on the city I reside in. Duties include tunnel maintenance, changing my litter box, and putting on a false mustache and going into deli’s so people turn and whisper “is that a groundhog wearing a false mustache ordering a pastrami on rye?” That last one is for my New York groundhog.” Said Davidson.

We then asked about his strict training regimen and daily schedule. Yelich is quoted as saying “I owe most of my good running and baseball abilities and uh stuff to my girlfriend.” 

It should be noted that Yelich was playing a little joke on us media folk. Yelich does not currently have a public relationship but he referred to his girlfriend jokingly as “Mary Jane”.

You can catch Davidson tee off at the Home Run Derby 8 pm ET Monday, July 8th and then watch switch the channel to FXX to watch a middle-aged Davidson play a giant green man in Thor: Ragnarok under the pseudonym Mark Ruffalo.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

MIDDLE AGE MAN RUNS A LITTLE FASTER EACH TIME HE PASSES A GROUP OF HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.

Avon, CT

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Every Sunday morning Brian Knox wakes up before his alarm that he set for 9:00 AM the night before to go on a 3 mile jog. He makes a cup of coffee eats a banana and by 10:AM he is out the door. It just so happens that Sunday at 10 AM is also the scheduled time for the High School track and field team to practice and it just so happens they have the same running route as Mr. Knox.

Within a minute or two after Knox began his cardiovascular conquest he could make out a group of boys coming over the crest of the hill he was about to trek up. As the boys grew closer and came into focus, Knox flashed back to his High School days when he was bullied for being overweight and slow. Without realizing it, he picked up his pace as the group of boys who truly seemed quite fast and built like real life adult men approached. The High Schoolers passed and eventually fizzled out of sight behind Knox. It was safe to jog at a comfortable pace again. Or so he thought.

Knox was now halfway up the truly monstrous hill when he heard footsteps and cackling. Seconds later emerged a second group of running boys coupled with a second flashback pubescent wrongdoings. Know again felt compelled to speed up as he approached the new group who did not seem as developed as the group before. This group were skin and bones, elbows and knees. They too eventually ran out of sight and again Knox thought he could relax. He was wrong.

Once more, as Knox approached the top of the hill, a group of boys waddled toward him. He had no gas left in the tank and this was only mile one of his adventure. He dug deep and accelerated once more. This group was different, Brian could feel it as he came closer. This group was overweight. This group was walking. Knox slowed down and walked, as did the group of boys. As their paths converged each gave a nod of respect to one another and went in their separate directions.

An exhale of relief. Brian Knox was now rested again after his short walk and began to jog. A smile was drawn wide across Brian’s face. He was at peace.

Then a sound.

An exceptionally high pitched gaggle of some unknown creature seemed to come from all directions. Knox looked around, panicked. Then he saw it a group of High School girls. Brian pivoted almost instantly after putting 2 and 2 together and sprinted back down the hill, into his house, and locking the door behind him. We asked him what he was feeling in the moment. He responded with the following, “I’m scared of High School boys and rightfully so they bullied me into a deep deep depression when I was younger. But High School girls are mind assassins with no regard for human life.”

-A Well-Mannered Grump

MAN ALONE AT BAR ASKS TO SWITCH NBA FINALS BACK TO “THE KING OF QUEENS”

Brooklyn, NY

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Thursday night Tommy Smith sat alone in a packed bar in Brooklyn. The Toronto Raptors basketball team were coming close to winning the NBA Championship. The team was led by superstar Kawhi Leonard and Canada’s team were close to taking down perennial powerhouse and series favorite, The Golden State Warriors. The game was neck and neck, 5 minutes to go, the score with in one possession, and then Smith asked the bartender… “Hey man can you switch the TV back to “The King of Queens?”

Patrons of 4th Down Sports Bar were reported to all simultaneously whip their necks around to get a look at Smith. “What?” bellowed Smith squeamishly.  “I just wanna watch “The King of Queens.” Kevin James and Ben Stiller’s dad’s “The King of Queens?” Pedestrians exiting the McDonald’s across the street soon after saw a 32 year old aspiring Amazon employee take flight and land ass first on the warm sidewalk that signified the nearing of summer.

“It was pretty miraculous to see a man as… I mean I don’t want to say fat and ugly but… heavy and attractive just flat out fly like that.” said drunk hipsters walking by at the time. Similar occurrences have taken place in the past. Our records show in 2015 A wine drunk mom once requested to turn “The National Dog Show” off and replace it with reruns of “The King of Queens. The most egregious offense however took place last year during Thanksgiving weekend. King of Queens was on and a real piece of work asked to change the channel to “Kevin Can Wait”, which is apparently not exactly the same show as “The King of Queens.”

We wish a speedy recovery for Tommy Smith. Not because we support his media intake priorities but rather because we know “The King of Queens” will be on in his hospital room. We hope you get healthy and discharged as soon as possible you freak.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

EXPERTS WARN GETTING DUNKED ON MAY LEAD TO BEING A LIL’ BITCH

Springfield, MA

New study released by Kobe University states the following:

“After extensive research Ballers at Kobe University have found conclusive evidence that being dunked on may lead to being a lil’ bitch.”

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-Kobe Bryant PHB

Rumors have been around ever since Bob Kurland, who is credited as the first person to “throw the heck down” in the year 1940 but confirmation eluded the public eye until this morning. Spectators of the beloved game, Canadian-American physical education teacher James Naismith invented all those years ago finally have some closer. The people finally know how to react when someone “has no regard for human life and jams it in the hole.”

“I was dunked on last Sunday playing a little pick-up game of 3 on 3 with my boys Roger and Frank after church. I was lost in the world for a while. I didn’t know who I was. Now that this study has come out at least I have some place on the blacktop. I’m a lil’ bitch and I own that.”

-Ray Bradbury (Elm Ridge Park Lil’ Bitch)

Ballologists knew this was going to be a huge breakthrough in the small town pick-up b-ball scene but, the impact it has already had on the National Basketball Association has been enormous.

“Yah, so what. I’m a lil’ bitch. Who cares! I can still ball. This is my life man. It can’t all go away cause of this. It’s who I am. I’m a baller! Well… I used to be… now I’m just a lil’ bitch.

- Shawn Bradley, Career Earnings: $69,580,00

The impact of this study seems to be growing exponentially. Profound ideas often change the world and this is no different. Be careful out there on the playground kids, the world is a dangerous place.

-A Well-Mannered Lil’ Bitch

CONFIRMED: KEVIN DURANT TO ROLLER DERBY TEAM “THE NEW YORK SHOCK EXCHANGE”

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At this point in his career Kevin Durant has solidified himself as one of the greatest basketball players alive. Durant is playing the best he ever has and shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. With all of this in mind, many were shocked to hear the news that the former league MVP, two (possibly soon to be three) time NBA champion, and sorry ass mommas boy decided to call it quits and trade in his Nikes for a pair of roller skates.

Kevin Durant confirmed shortly after his team, The Golden State Warriors, advanced to the Western Conference Finals, that he would take his talents to New York City and join the legendary roller derby organization, New York Shock Exchange.

“I figured, I’ve mastered basketball, It’s time for me to try to improve in other facets of my life. I want to be the best Kevin Durant I can be.” said Durant when we asked him what drove him to make such an unexpected and financially irresponsible decision. For those familiar with the NBA you will know that Durant has been known for his controversial free agency decisions. In the past Durant opted to join an already star studded Warriors team instead of lead a team of his own. His teammate Klay Thompson had the following to say, “the dude is weird”. Similar sentiments were echoed by Steph Curry and Draymond Green but, the most surprising public statement came from his coach Steve Kerr.

“I just want to be perfectly clear; we never needed Kevin Durant. I wasn't gonna be like, “no we don’t want Kevin Durant but, we didn’t need him , like at all, like literally at all. I was the one who introduced him to the the world of roller derby. It was clear he wanted to be a winner and that's why he came to Golden State but, like I said, he means nothing to us. I decided to become his mentor and guide him into a different port entirely. A sport where he can have what he desires most; a situation where he can dominate and never have any doubt that he will be a champion. I wish that mommas boy the best, I truly do”.   

Golden State Warriors Head Coach Steve Kerr

Kevin hopes to make the most of this new opportunity and has already received endorsements from FireStar and Fisher-Price. Keep a close eye on this story as it is still developing and came out amidst another deep playoff run for the Warriors.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

PERSONAL TRAINER COUNTS TO TEN

Chicago, IL

Newly certified and overly enthusiastic LA Fitness personal trainer Bobbie Jackson, took to the gym floor for the first time this past Wednesday. Jackson walked around for three hours waiting for his first client. Finally noon struck and along came Jacqueline Burke. After a quick meet and greet the workout was underway and Jackson’s counting skills were put to the test. This was the day Bobbie Jackson would be paid to count to ten.

We received and have placed below a copy of the planned workout for Miss Burke. Mr. Jackson said he hopes his workout plans can help everyone looking to improve their overall fitness.

Bobbie (The Bruiser) Jackson’s ULTIMATE HOUR PUMP!!!

  1. 10 Sets of 10 Push-Ups.

  2. 10 Sets of 10 Sit-Ups.

  3. 10 Sets of 10 Squats.

  4. 10 Sets of 10 Miles.

  5. 10 Sets of 10 That Thing Where You Put Your Head On a Baseball Bat And Spin.

  6. 10 Sets of 10 Laps Around The Gym Waiting For Any Piece Of Equipment To Become Available.

  7. 10 Sets of 10 Conversations That Are Way Too Personal And Insincere.

  8. 10 Sets of 10 Glances In The Mirror To Be Disgusted By Yourself And Wish You Were Literally Anyone And Everyone Else Around You.

  9. 10 Sets of 10 Water Breaks Because Water Is Good For You.

  10. 10 Sets of 10 Of Your Best Efforts To Reject A Smarmy And Sexist Salesperson From Exploiting Your Insecurities To Get In Your Wallet.

When we asked Jackson how he thought his first training session went, he responded “I always knew I could count to ten.” We wish Bobbie Jackson only the best. He deserves all ten of the dollars he makes per hour… before taxes.

—A Well-Mannered Grump

LOCAL GAME OF "TWO-HAND TOUCH" TURNS VIOLENT OVER CONTROVERSIAL "ONE-HAND" CALL

Chicago, IL

Even the friendliest of games can turn quite unfriendly due to a contentious call.

A pleasant game of two-hand touch football*¹, a game consistently enjoyed by amateur “athletes,” was off to a great start as Kev, the former DePaul SAE*² president, caught a bomb in the end zone over his much shorter roommate, Todd. This gave his team, BRAD’S MOM (Seth, Kev, Gavin, Mark), a commanding lead over the BUTTCHUGGERS (Will, Joey, Todd, Brad). Kev celebrated by spiking the ball at Todd’s feet, waving around the shirt that marks the start of the end zone. “Don’t be a dick,” remarked Todd, reminding the group that this is his backyard they’re playing in, and it was his pizza rolls they ate beforehand.

Soon after, during the BUTTCHUGGERS’ attempted comeback, the real controversy began. Mark hiked*³ the ball, dumping it off on a 2-yard screen to the sideline (his average pass length), caught by Will, breaking up field.  Only Seth, who played a year of high school football (as he often brings up), stood in his way. Will spun, throwing Seth off balance. At the very last second, Seth dove, grazing Will’s back, shouting, “DOWN!” To which, Will replied, “ONE HAND!”

Will raced into the end zone, greeted by his teammates. Objections spurred from team B, escalating into shoving between some of the more aggressive men. The conflict between DOWN and ONE HAND escalated to Seth charging off the field in a huff. “I got two hands!” he whined, kicking a small rock by their stoop.

The group rushed to deal with the conflict, as tensions and personal insults only grew. It seems as if the touch football game would collapse. A final argument, reminding Seth that the BUTTCHUGGERS were flexible on his disputable QB sneak*⁴ attempt (before any definite rule had been established) persuaded Seth to give up his crusade. He rejoined the game with a clear sense of frustration, and play resumed.

The game was almost over right then and there. The losing BUTTCHUGGERS, however, came all the way back to win it, 84-77 after 2 solid hours of play. Was this play the turning point of the whole game? Had he been called down, the BUTTCHUGGERS’ fate surely would’ve been sealed. The controversy sent the league into collapse and another game has yet to be scheduled.

Don’t let your league fall victim to a controversial call. Hire referees to take the blame.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

*¹Two-Hand Touch Football: football for people who aren’t athletic enough, or are too fragile, to tackle.

*²SAE: the dopest of Frats, brah.

*³Hike: the final thing screamed that starts the play.

*⁴QB Sneak: When the quarterback sneaks, ever so slowly, onto their opponents side of the field to get a head start.