LIBERAL SNOWFLAKE BUYS AN ANDROID

Farmington, CT

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Meghan Fishbloom is the at the center of this story but, for easier reading comprehension throughout the article, we will refer to her as Snowflake McProbabyJustLovesHandouts. 

McProbabyJustLovesHandouts was seen strolling likes of Westfarms mall earlier this weekend. She was in the market for a new cellular telephone or, “Smartphone” as the left-wing hippie dippies now call them. McProbabyJustLovesHandouts was wearing revealing denim blue pants with holes near the booty, an itsy bitsy tinny weeny little apricot color bennie, and a nose ring. Anyone with half a brain could predict where she would be shopping on this fine Saturday morning.

As McProbabyJustLovesHandouts approached the Apple store something was off. She wasn't slowing down, her stride uninterrupted. She was now just 50 feet from the entrance of the store. 40. 20. Surely she was unaware of how close she was to the entrance of the store and was just so stupid and snowflakey that she didn’t understand her surroundings. 10 feet. 5 feet. She passed the store.

What McProbabyJustLovesHandouts did next was stunning. Patrons of the mall turned their necks creating a backup in foot traffic to watch the unprecedented action she was about to take. McProbabyJustLovesHandouts was now a full four stores beyond snowflake central (The Apple Store) as she began to slow her pace. A pivot. A few more steps and she was inside a… Best Buy.

The transcript of the Ms. McProbabyJustLovesHandouts’ encounter with the Best Buy’s salesperson is listed below.

Liberal Swine: One Android cellular telephone, please.

Salesperson: I think you're in the wrong place mam. You’re far too close to gay to not be lost right now.

Liberal Swine: Hi. No sir I am at a Best Buy and I would like to make the best buy and purchase an Android cellular telephone. Can you talk to me about the differences between the Samsung Galaxy S10 Plus and the Google Pixel 3?

Salesperson:What the hell is happening! Someone help me! My 10% commission isn't worth this kind of demolition of cultural norms and expectations! I quit! I QUIT! I’m moving back home with my Mommy and Daddy! Wahhhhh! Wahh Wahh! 


Let the record show that McProbabyJustLovesHandouts opted to go with the Google Pixel 3. She was also given a free CD of her choice for the inconvenience she faced. She went with Garth Brooks’ 2016 Gunslinger.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

ADOBE'S NEWEST “GLUTEOSHOP” SOFTWARE IS LIKE PHOTOSHOP BUT, IT'S JUST FOR BUTTS

San Jose, CA

The cover art for Adobe’s newest program, “Gluteoshop”.

The cover art for Adobe’s newest program, “Gluteoshop”.

Early Saturday morning Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen and other executive higher-ups introduced their newest revolutionary software to their already impressive “Creative Cloud”. The software is called, Glutoshop. It’s like Photoshop but it's only feature is the ability to give you a phat phat doink monster.

“After running a few in house generated algorithms our people found that <30% of Photoshop users only use the product to make their booties look ginormous. Naturally, we set out to create a product that served our customers better,” said EVP and CFO of Adobe, John Murphy. John wanted us to let the people know he doesn't need the software because he does not have a flat ass, despite what his High School nickname “Johnny Has A Flat Butt Murphy” might imply.

Glutoshop’s release was met with mixed responses from the public. While some were over the moon with excitement and ready to shell out top dollar for the product others had some hesitation. “When my friends and family see the Photoshop icon on my computer they think I’m artsy. Now when they walk into my home office to drop their jacket off during a holiday party they will see this new Glutoshop icon which literally says “Ass”. They will know what I’ve been doing all these years. Is there no room for discretion in the world of deep fake phat asses anymore?” said an Adobe customer who wished to keep their identity hidden.

CEO Shantanu Narayen said he expected some pushback initially but he hopes the community of big booty babies will come around to appreciate the convenience the program offers.

The program will be available on all platforms for subscribers to Adobe’s Creative Cloud. If you wish to purchase the software separately the cost is a humorous $699.

-A Well-Mannered Grump

DELETE HINGE, FIND BOYFRIEND BY BEING RICH KID GOVERNESS

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So you downloaded Hinge because an NPR commercial promised it would deliver you a witty, yopro boyfriend. Guess what? Turns out dating app fuckboys are universal. You’ve now considered speed-dating, match-making, and (briefly) going to one of those singles events in the basement of a Catholic church (the horror). It feels like you’re running out of options.

That’s why we’re here to encourage you to delete your Hinge account, quit your job, and immediately transition into a career as a full-time governess for some rich kid(s). Our governesses have an incredible success rate in finding love. A steamy romance, plus built-in upward mobility? Sign me up, please!

Our personalized service will pair you with your ideal grumpy dad/guardian match. Some sample survey questions you may be asked:

  • Are you turned on or repelled by the uneven power dynamic of dating your boss?

  • How much experience do you have sewing drapery into day-wear for seven highly disobedient children?

  • Would you consider him locking his ex in the attic a red flag, or a cheeky conversation starter?

  • What are your feelings on exploiting wealthy aristocrats together with near-sociopathic ruthlessness during the Napoleonic Wars?

No longer will you have to sit through tedious first dates with business consultants who think that Andrew Yang (#YangGang) has a chance in hell of winning the Democratic primary. Nope! Instead, you’ll just have to teach reading, needlework, and possibly solfège to little shitheads wearing pinafores.

Before you embark on your Love Journey, our service must first legally disclose that there is no guarantee of a match, and you may in fact just end up isolated, working for a rudimentary wage in a highly unregulated field. But right now it looks like it’s either that or submitting your audition tape to The Bachelor, so how bad can it really be?

-A Well-Mannered Grump

WOMAN POSTS PIC OF ASS, REMEMBERS IT'S HOLOCAUST REMEMBRANCE DAY, POSTS ANOTHER PIC OF ASS

WASHINGTON, D.C

A local secular Jewish woman, whose grandparents survived the Holocaust (this piece isn’t autobiographical...it’s about....someone else? Not me though) was especially pleased with the way her ass looked on Thursday, May 2nd. She decided to share it with her 500 Instagram followers (once again not autobiographical, I have 502 followers so it’s obv not about me). Suddenly it came over her: she forgot it was Holocaust  Remembrance Day and posted a picture of her ass on Instagram, but thankfully she remembered...and posted another picture of her ass on Instagram.

The local woman, who asked not to be named (it’s not me so stop saying that) had forgotten it was Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day, for the layman) because I don’t know she was busy? She remembered when her dad (not my dad, this woman’s dad’s name is Jon and my dad’s name is John with an H) texted her reminding her to always appreciate the beauty and fragility of life, as it is fleeting and can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye. “Oh shit,” thought the local secular Jewish woman, “I just posted a picture of my ass moments ago with the caption ‘Why you hating?’”

The local secular Jewish woman immediately felt guilty that she had forgotten it was Holocaust Remembrance Day and that posted a picture of her ass, and only remembered only after a poetic text from her (not my) dad. She was determined to pay tribute to her now deceased paternal grandparents who were both holocaust survivors. Courageous people who lost their families, survived starvation, unspeakable racialized violence, and pain to come to America so she can accidentally text her boss a picture of her mildly sore throat with a caption that says “Ouie, Mommy” (guys this woman is clearly an idiot, I’m great with my phone). She took stock of all in her life that was good and uncomplicated. The local woman decided that she must pay some kind of tribute to her beautiful grandparents, Thomas and Frederica (OK so the fact that these were also my grandparents’ names tells you nothing, these are perfectly common German names OK?). She decided to draft a lovely tribute to them on her Instagram and to make a donation to a refugee organization in their name. Unfortunately, in so doing, she walked past a mirror and was particularly struck by how positively round her ass looked in her Asos Brand Jeans. “Maybe just one little pic,” she said out loud, and posted a pic of ass.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

INSANE CREDIT CARD OFFERING 0% INTEREST UNTIL YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU

The Bottom of a Pile of Spam, Your Mailbox

Jake Joyce, a twenty-five-year-old barista and self identified meme lord never thought he would be financially stable. That was until this past Wednesday, when Jake sifted through the pile of junk mail that had been growing at the foot of his bed and found an envelope that read “Prequalified just for you! Discover’s newest card offering 0% interest until your dad is proud of you.”

When asked what he was feeling when he read the envelope, Joyce said, "I've done some questionable things in my life, and I'm pretty sure I've lost my dad's trust forever. Now, that's a GOOD thing with Discover Disappointing!"

Jake went on to talk about "how this financial stability will allow him to dedicate his life to a cause he finds worthy and underappreciated" and he went on to talk about meme culture. “In the same way that letters came to be, people will learn the meaning and history behind each symbol, sign, and sign system in existence and become masters of semiotics upon leaving primary school We could create a new universal  language if we just embraced the meme” Joyce enthusiastically stated.

Jake then took out his RipStick and rode it downtown to his father's law firm, hoping to solidify his image as a deadbeat loser. He was in the building for approximately twelve minutes and when he came out, Jake dabbed a few times in celebration. We waited outside the building to approach Jake’s father, Brian Joyce, as he left for the day. As he huffed and puffed over his son's existence, Brian Joyce said “The kid has to grow up, get a real job, and give me and my smokeshow wife some goddamn grandkids!” It was important to Brian that we knew his wife was a “smokeshow”.

When we asked Jake what his first purchase would be, he said, “Uhhh probably like some edibles from my guy or something.” We were surprised that Mr. Joyce’s drug dealer took credit cards, but hey, in Jake’s words: “The world’s changing everyday, and personally, I’m about that kinda shit.”

— A Well-Mannered Grump

SALES MANAGER VERY SUPPORTIVE OF INTERN WHO QUIT VIA EMAIL

Chicago, IL

Early Monday morning, Groupon, INC. intern Mario Betcha resigned after just two months via email. Sales manager Ryan Gray responded abruptly, crafting a heartfelt and personal note to wish Mario the best, holding no grudges whatsoever.

“I got the message Mario sent first thing when I stepped in the office. Naturally, I immediately began composing a list of all the strengths Mario had highlighted during his short stint with the company,” said Mr. Gray. He then leaped onto his desk, knocking off piles of important documents, and gave a genuine and profound speech about the vast hole Mr. Betcha left in the company, second only to the hole in his heart.

“By the way, he was crying, and by the words he was saying, I thought Mario had died,” said receptionist Reta Boatright. Mario is alive and well, and yet sales manager Ryan Gray spent the rest of the morning creating a portrait of Mario on the break room refrigerator using only Post-it notes. People around the office had a lot to say about the day’s events.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, the dude has serious Post-it skills, but my tuna sammy was in that fridge, and like I didn’t wanna mess up the refrigerator art. So I didn’t eat all day,” Sarah O’Neil, the remaining intern, told us.

“That’s just the kind of guy Ryan is. He and the company as a whole really care about the people they work with. I see things like that everyday,” said CEO, Rich Williams.

As the day concluded, Mr. Gray felt he hadn’t done enough, so he hired a mariachi band to deliver a musical invitation to Mario, letting him know that Ryan and his new fiancée would love to have him over for a meal anytime Mario liked.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

PRINCESS OF NEW YORKTOPIA FLAUNTS RICHES, PEASANTS CYBERBULLY HER INTO SUICIDE

***BREAKING NEWS***

New Yorktopia, NY

In an effort to let the world know of his daughter Nina’s success, King Rupert sent the army’s finest dragons into the sky to decorate the clouds with messages of congratulations for the Princess as she comes of age. Quotes such as “transitioning from the castle to my own villa with so few servants will be a daunting task,” “I’m quite pleased I will not have to live near any shops with low-end spices or fabrics,” and “I’m on my own now, making it in this world!” danced around the sky.

As these messages plastered the clouds, the peasant folk below took in the show. However, the novelty wore off rather quickly. The Blacksmith’s son drew his phone from his pocket and began to furiously tap, tap, tap away. Not so long after, beeps and buzzes could be heard for miles in every direction the Kingdom. The Blacksmith’s son first wrote: “Uhhhhh does anyone else see the irony here?” He wrote this with good cause. The Princess had a history of insensitivity to the poor and had, on more than a few occasions, said things even the royal fool might not dare say. The Blacksmith’s son spoke his mind tastefully, made some compelling arguments, and even started a healthy back-and-forth about important issues within the realm.  

What followed, however, was unexpected. The following is a timeline of posts in response to the Blacksmith’s son’s initial thoughts.

Barry The Jr. Blacksmith, 10:05 am

It happens all the time, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. This is maybe more true today than ever. For the King to so excessively pat his daughter on the back  is laughable when there are people who go days without food outside the castle walls. My father and I work seven days a week at the smith shop and can only imagine what it would be like to live where the Princess is “just going to squeak by.”  Uhhhhh does anyone else see the irony here? I hope we can come together as a community and help each other out when we see someone in need because it seems the Royal Family still does not have a clue!

Sarah The Swordsman’s Sister, 10:11 am

Totally and completely agree! They don’t get it yet again and we suffer!

Brenda The Blower’s Daughter, 10:15 am

Does anyone remember when the Princess said that my dad should stop hiring people to blow glass when there were so many people in the castle who have gold with no designs??? Like WHAT! Not all of us live in the CASTLE you dumb wench!! LIKE WHAT!

Fiona The Farmer, 10:23 am

This is wack. When it happen?

Brenda The Blower’s Daughter, 10:24 am

TODAY! This happened TO-FRICKING-DAY! Not one hundred years ago, THIS FRICKING MORNING!

Fiona The Farmer, 10:25 am

So wack

Willard (not a wizard) The Chemist, 10:31 am

I thought we were progressing when we accepted witchcraft as the one true science!

Members of the community bod over their personal opinions every day, but this particular story was put through twists and turns online making it into something completely different on the other end.

Fred The Farmer SHARED a post, 10:38 am

    Yo! Isn’t this like so wack??

Blake The Butcher’s Brother, 10:39 am

    U kiddin I hate this girl. I’m illiterate, butt she’s an idiot. #shouldIbearapper?

Steve The Silversmith's Second Cousin, 10:40 am

    WHATTTTTTT man! Throw her in the dungeon!

Steve The Silversmith's Second Cousin SHARED a post, 10:41am

    Yo I know! She’s probably like this because her parents were never around as a kid?

Nicky The Seamstress’ Suiter, 10:41am

    OMG she should be behind bars!

Blake The Butcher’s Brother, 10:41 am

    HATE this girl. I mean Maebe I cant speel but she should be locked in a Ceel! #2for2

Fiona The Farmer 10:41am

Nice Blake! If ur Dad was King who knows what you could do... TALENT

Steve The Silversmith's Second Cousin

OMG BLAKE STFU SMH

Willard (not a wizard) The Chemist, 10:41am

    Abra ka kill yourself, am I right!! :)

Penny The Painter, 10:41am

    SECONDED PLEEEAAAASEEEEE JUST GO KILLL YOURSELF!!!

Fiona The Farmer, 10:42 am

    SUICIDE!!!

Blake The Butcher’s Brother, 10:42 am

    @princessnina Hey hey my shoes aint never tied...HEY HEY  COMMITT SUEICIDE

#artist #influencer #newkanye

Fiona The Farmer, 10:42 am

YESSS Killer Rhymes!

A Stranger Who Didn’t Even See The Sky Writing, 10:42 am

    I hope this bitch kills herself, if she doesn’t I'll probably kill myself #Killyourself

New Yorktopia lost their Princess this morning at 10:42 am. In a note placed by the side of her bed, next to her golden goblet filled with poison, next to a copy of Atlas Shrugged, next to a stable of new ponies, next to a case of rare jewelry, next to a picture of her and her family with her face cut out with the words “I’m sorry” written across it… read a letter that said: I should probably kill myself, the people on the internet want me to.

— A Well-Mannered Grump