Glastonbury, CT

This past Wednesday the Helm family sat down at the dinner table for a nice tech-free meal before Jack Helm, the breadwinner of the family, left for a business trip early the next morning. Soon after Mr. Helm’s departure, Susan Helm’s “friend from Vermont” arrived for a visit.

The kiddo of the house knew his Mom’s friend from Vermont well, as he visited often when his father was away for business. “Roger Roger,” shouted little Jack Jr. when he saw Roger from Vermont embracing his mother. “Hey there slugger” responded Roger as he threw a few fake jabs in a playful manner.  The night went on as most of Roger’s visits went. Jack Jr. would play some video games with Roger and then go to his friends house for a sleepover.

This visit was different though, as Jack Jr. had just turned 9 years old and was, like super mature now. At the sleepover Jack Jr. voiced his concern about what role Roger from Vermont plays in his parents life. Jack Jr.’s best friend Freddie McCormick who was held back a year had already hit the landmark age of 10 and asked if Jack Jr. really wanted to know the answer. Jack Jr. often looked to McCormick for advice but this was the first time “Loudmouth” Freddie McCormick was apprehensive to speak up. Jack Jr. insisted on knowing what it seemed Freddie knew.

“Sex.” said McCormick.

“Sex?” questioned Jack.

After a few hours of jaws dropping and quite a few rather sloppy diagrams drawn in crayon, Jack decided to call his Dad and tell him about Roger from Vermont.

We only know of this story because, Jack Jr. was found running around in circles in the middle of the street holding a phone, yelling “NOOOOO GROSSSSS!” and was eventually found by a reporter of ours who happens to be the McCormick’s neighbor.

When we asked Jack Helm Sr. what he said to set his son off he simply responded, “I told him, his Mom is a very horny lady and my job happens to require me to go out of town often so Roger comes down and your Mom bangs him while I’m away.”

Jack Jr. is currently in therapy

— A Well-Mannered Grump