TRASH CAN OVERFLOWING, STANDOFF ENTERS THIRD WEEK

Chicago, IL

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Inhumane is the best word to describe the living situation quite literally growing at 5844 N Ashland Ave. Roommates Fred Woods and Alexa Couples have been generating garbage their entire lives however, for the past three weeks neither has decided to become the bigger person and take out the trash. This epic standoff now enters it’s twenty first day.

In the back right corner of the kitchen clearly furnished in the 1990’s sat a large brown trash can filled with an empty black Hefty Hefty Hefty trash bag. The can slowly filled with containers, bottles, and bags. Eventually saturated with waste, Fred Woods, Paralegal and not so upcoming SoundCloud rapper, tossed an empty blueberry Chobani bulk sized bucket towards the basket of waste. Clink. Thud. The bucket hit the ground there was no room in the trash. It needed to be emptied and taken out. We asked Woods why he didn’t take out the trash. He responded with a heartfelt “dude… wasn’t really feeling it.”

We skip ahead 18 days

The kitchen floor is covered in filth. Surely no human lives in this dumpster posing as an apartment. In walks Alexa Couples, used tissues in hand. A brief pause. A majestic overhand flick of the wrist. “Kobe!” Alexa stepped on K-Cups, wrappers, and what could have been a horses full family on her way back to her room. The growing stank tank that lay just beyond her bedroom door seemed to be of no concern. When asked Couples was quick to defend her actions “I do the dishes.” While that doesn't necessarily make sense in this context we assume she is defending herself by saying she does other chores around the apartment and shouldn’t have to carry everyone else’s lazy asses for the rest of her whole goddamn life!

We’ve called multiple times for a follow up interview. There has been no answer. We hope they are not trapped so far into their stubbornness that they have buried themselves alive. If the previous is true however, we hope they get the best Chobani yogurt bucket gravestones.

— A Well-Mannered Grump