Schaumburg, IL

Untitled design (13).png

It is the first weekend of summer and people want to look their best when they’re out soaking up the sun near Lake Michigan. Naturally, this means people flooding the Woodfield Mall to shop until they drop. The recently engaged and definitely still sole mates Becca Catskill(26) and Pat Jones (28) were no exception. Their day was going splendidly until a spat took place in the middle of mall’s second floor beauty shop, Sephora.

Catskill was perusing the aisles of cosmetic products with vigor and vitality. She walked around like she owned the place and maybe because, she was about to drop a good chunk of change!

It is being reported that as Catskill was wrapping up her 55 minute deep dive into the world of Sephora when she overheard her fiance talking with another couple near the checkout counter. “I’ve found that my Head and Shoulders 3 in 1 gets the job done just as well as any of these overpriced concoctions.” said Pat Jones as he was met with an affirmative nod from the husband of the other couple.

The hair on the back of Catskill’s neck stood on end and in that moment she flung her body towards the direction of the conversation. “I’m sorry what are we talking about here folks?”  

Becca Catskill didn’t give the group time to answer and proceed to make a four minute long speech on the absurdity of the idea of a 3 in 1 hair care product. Her main arguments were as follows; “I’ve never known anyone who spreads themselves so thin to do a job well. I want a shampoo to work as a shampoo, a conditioner to work as a conditioner, and I don’t even think the people who make Men’s shampoos can think of a third product that goes in your hair.”

When Catskill’s tirade concluded a look of anguish came over the face of anyone within earshot. “Ok can we just checkout and go home honey?” said Jones. “Yes. As long as we all have learned a little something about how capitalists lie to you and steal your money by selling you products like 3 in 1 shampoo.”

“Mam, that will be $225.95.” said the cashier.

-A Well-Mannered Grump