WOMAN WHO RECENTLY GOT BANGS IS VERY MENTALLY STABLE

In Cities, Everywhere

Bethabell Beal, of literally any city anywhere, recently went through a breakup. But she ATE her ice cream pints, she WATCHED those rom-coms, she STALKED her ex’s Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn/Old Neopets account time and time again. So now, a mere week later, Bethabell says she’s never been better.

This is why, when she showed up to Margarita Monday at the gal’s favorite local bar with a fresh new do, her friends reacted… strongly.

“Oh honey no.”

“Where the fuck is your forehead.”

“A therapist would have been a better investment.”

“Are you Zooey Deschanel’s uglier twin?”

That’s right- Bethabell Beal got her ass off her couch just 7 days after her brutal dumping, marched her ass to Mario Tricoci, and her ass asked the stylist for “blunt bangs.”

“Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay? I’m GREAT! I’ve never been better!!” Bethabell remarks, “My bangs represent my new life as I move forward as a single woman. I am STRONG, INDEPENDENT, and READY for life!”  

As she sips her 7 dollar fresh juice from Whole Foods out of a plastic straw, Bethabell needs no prompting to show those around her that she is completely and utterly FINE.

“Look. I’m at Whole Foods, I’m shopping like a NORMAL person!!! Wooo look at me! Doing things! I’m FINE okay!!!!”

Bethabell tells the man at check-out that she got bangs recently for her own pleasure and that she doesn’t need a therapist. Confused, the man stares blankly and says “congrats” with a slightly judgemental tone. Bethabell leaves the interaction with a smile- “see??? He believes me.”

If you or someone you know is suffering from PBBS (post break up bangs syndrome), call 1-800-420-PBBS for help. No, it’s not just a therapist over the phone, we promise.

— A Well-Mannered Grump