Black Denim Jeans And 3 Other Wardrobe Substitutes For Anti-Depressants

Chicago, IL


Blake Barnes (24) has been dealing with rollercoaster-like ups and downs and a flurry of different prescriptions since graduating from college with a degree in Silk Painting… SILK PAINTING! Luckily Barnes said a fancy little farewell to his anti-depressants that have been mimicking happiness for a long while now. Why now? Well… Blake Barnes bought his first pair of black denim jeans!  

“Who knew one simple wardrobe essential could completely alter one’s perspective on life and how the rules of the universe operate altogether!” said Barnes. 

Hopefully, our readers are taking note! Go get yourself a pair of black denim jeans! They’re so much less expensive than prescription drugs and make your butt look slim and fit!

After further discussion with Mr. Barnes, we made the deduction that while black jeans may be the obvious textile substitute for whatever chemical big pharma is force-feeding you at the moment, there are a number of lesser-known prescription surrogates that could be in your closet at this very moment! 

1. A Forever 21 Corduroy Jacket!

Did someone say CorduJOY! Why not mix up the texture of your outerwear this Fall? Who wants to wear the same coat out for every occasion? Yuck! Show off some of your personality when you spend only $39.99 at Forever 21 on this accent piece! $39.99, which is about $105 dollars less expensive than a monthly prescription of Zoloft!

2. How About Some Fresh Allbirds Running Shoes?

Do you want a natural chemical rush? There’s no better way to naturally get those endorphins flowing than to hit the gym baby! Pay only one installment of $95 and feel even more confident when you hit the weight room! $95, which would get you about 6 total capsules of Prozac!

3. A Little Something For The Bedroom Folks?

While on the topic of natural chemical rushes, it would be hard not to bring up what one experiences while in the sack #amiright! So whatever your preference maybe find yourself a lil sumthin sumthin to make yourself feel sexy. Why not this Eres Rosier Stretch-Lace Soft-Cup Triangle Bra? It’s only $410! $410, that’s only about 33% the cost of 100 tablets of Lexapro

We should note that Blake Barnes has also been seeing a therapist twice a week for a month. WHICH IN NO WAY THROWS OFF THE VALIDITY OF OUR CLOTHING VS. PRESCRIPTION RESEARCH… also if you have good health insurance I guess the years of scientific research put into modern medicine may be worth a shot...

-A Well-Mannered (and Well-Dressed) Grump