Corporate, U.S.A.

In a brazen public statement this past week, Young Feminist Mackenzie Rothwell concedes that she is now strongly considering the pursuit of Trophy Wife-ism in the near future.

“It all started when I looked up the price of a luxury gym membership while wasting time at work,” Rothwell describes. Rothwell graduated magna cum laude with a degree in Women’s and Gender Studies two years ago, and while she steadfastly maintains her core feminist values, the forty-hour work week has significantly altered her perspective. “I used to think that making a difference in the world was what was most important, but now I think I’d settle for being really, really hot. I think I could probably, definitely give up my soul-sucking career to maintain a hot bod and have some damn peace of mind.”

The feminist movements of decades past are not forgotten by Rothwell. “I know that housewives in the 1950s were totally bored and unfulfilled and shit, but that’s pretty much how I feel at my 9-to-5 job, so who exactly is winning here? Also, I have twenty-three streamable seasons of ABC’s The Bachelor to catch up on, and they didn’t. Which is why I am swiping exclusively on finance bros.”

As part of the interview, Rothwell gives a tour around the office of the non-profit company at which she works, which encourages little girls to engage in everyday toxic masculinity with the confidence of a young boy. “I had a lot of faith in changing the system when I started here. It’s so important that little girls have equal opportunity to be shitty humans, you know? But literally all I do is forward emails to different people all day and pretend to take notes at team meetings, when what I’m really doing is playing M.A.S.H. with myself. If the robots are coming for my job, let them take it.”

Rothwell goes on to argue, “I could be bored while listening to Tricia at the desk rambling on about her son’s asthma medication, or I could be bored while microneedling my own face and then taking a nap at home while my wealthy husband loses years of his life to a corporate job. Which would you choose?”

— A Well-Mannered Grump