Washington, D.C.

This past Friday morning, President Trump announced that he will declare a national emergency in order to fund the wall bordering Mexico. There has been plenty of understandable outrage in response to this seriously authoritarian move. But I think the American people are ignoring a major component in all of this — if we’re just declaring national emergencies over anything these days, then I deserve to declare one, too. And I’m declaring it over flat-brim caps.

Trump may suggest that undocumented persons crossing the border are “an invasion of our country,” but believe me, any skateboard-toting douchebag with the audacity to wear a flat-brim cap in 2019 is making a much more grievous invasion upon my daily life. Who gave these men the right? Not my America.

While Trump may think that $8 billion (a truly insane amount of money for a project easily thwarted by a tall ladder) is a wise investment towards border protection, I would counter-propose that we use those funds instead to pay for the men wearing flat-brim caps to get a haircut, or alternately, hair plugs. That’s why they insist on wearing the caps everywhere, right? Not because they actually like them? Right guys? (Either that, or the money could be allocated towards the Green New Deal. Although is a planet where men still wear flat-brim caps a planet I even want to continue living on?)  

The border wall is not a sophisticated concept, but neither is a dude with a flat-brim. Easy ways to spot them, even without their key sartorial choice, include the following: named Derek or Kevin, tried to sell you a vape once, leaves intentional hickeys, probably Libertarian. In short, a cultural group that we, as a country, can afford to alienate.

Much like the owner of a flat-brim cap whom I once erroneously hooked up with whilst he continued to wear it, Trump is an asshat — in this case, referring both to a stupid or contemptible person, and also a stupid or contemptible hat. Unlike Trump’s proposed national emergency, I don’t think mine would embolden the entire state of California to sue me. In fact, I think the nation, with one obvious demographic as an exception, could unite behind my proposal. That’s why I’ve decided to join fifteen-ish other presidential hopefuls in announcing my candidacy for 2020. See ya on the debate floor, Trump! And please, don’t make any new adjustments to your MAGA caps.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

Baker, P. (2019). Trump Declares a National Emergency, and Provokes a Constitutional Clash. [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/15/us/politics/national-emergency-trump.html [Accessed 16 Feb. 2019].

Hagan, C. and Miller, N. (2019). NPR Choice page. [online] Npr.org. Available at: https://www.npr.org/2019/02/15/695251288/donald-trump-we-ll-see-you-in-court-california-to-sue-over-emergency-declaration [Accessed 16 Feb. 2019].

Paletta, D., DeBonis, M. and Wagner, J. (2019). Trump declares national emergency on southern border in bid to build wall. [online] washingtonpost.com. Available at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trumps-border-emergency-the-president-plans-a-10-am-announcement-in-the-rose-garden/2019/02/15/f0310e62-3110-11e9-86ab-5d02109aeb01_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.e532e4799954 [Accessed 16 Feb. 2019].