MOM BUYS ANOTHER THROW PILLOW, COUCH NOW COMPLETELY UNUSABLE

Rocky Hill, CT

Anyone who has ever been to Donna Durbin’s home saw this day coming. The day where Donna would go on her typical Sunday Target run, wander into the home decor section, and buy another Thanksgiving themed throw pillow. This pillow however, was different. This pillow was the thirteenth Durbin had bought since moving into her new house. This pillow, filled the last crevice on her plush Bob-O-Pedic sleeper sofa, rendering it completely and utterly… useless.

We sat down with Durbin’s friends from cribbage night to discuss the purchase. “We should have said something to her sooner but, it was hard because… buying an obscene amount of pillows made her so happy” said Carol Burns, close friend and longtime online scrabble partner. It was apparent to us after a while, this case screamed “cushion addiction”.

A Cushion Purchasing Disorder (which is sometimes referred to as Ibuyalotofpillowsanditgetsinthewayofmyeverydaylife) is a pattern of pillow purchasing that involves problems controlling how often, how much, and how many pillows you buy even when it causes problems in routine day to day life.  

“Normally I’d be upset that we couldn't use our two thousand dollar couch but, uhhh in the past I’ve spilled a lot of booze on our other couches so this kinda works out. No couch to spill on… can’t spill on no couch. We complete each other.” said Donna’s husband Richard who continued to make several insensitive jokes about alcoholism. He said he could say whatever he wanted because he’s an alcoholic and has great health insurance. We debated for a short while but, the insensitive jokes were actually quite funny.

Donna’s family and friends plan to take action in the form of an intervention. They plan to make Donna sit on the current invisible couch, hold each pillow, and ask herself if it brings her joy. Richard suggested they have the intervention over a few bottles of wine. We gave them both the number of Dr. Susan Brandanowitz, a local psychologist who has been working prolifically for the last few decades with clients with addictions. Dr. Brandanowitz said “it makes me feel in control when I fix other people’s addictions. I can’t get enough of it!”

Contact Dr. Brandanowitz at,1-800-I’MAPSYCHOLOGISTANDI’MJUSTASFUCKINGCRAZYASYOUARE

— A Well-Mannered Grump