DELETE HINGE, FIND BOYFRIEND BY BEING RICH KID GOVERNESS

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So you downloaded Hinge because an NPR commercial promised it would deliver you a witty, yopro boyfriend. Guess what? Turns out dating app fuckboys are universal. You’ve now considered speed-dating, match-making, and (briefly) going to one of those singles events in the basement of a Catholic church (the horror). It feels like you’re running out of options.

That’s why we’re here to encourage you to delete your Hinge account, quit your job, and immediately transition into a career as a full-time governess for some rich kid(s). Our governesses have an incredible success rate in finding love. A steamy romance, plus built-in upward mobility? Sign me up, please!

Our personalized service will pair you with your ideal grumpy dad/guardian match. Some sample survey questions you may be asked:

  • Are you turned on or repelled by the uneven power dynamic of dating your boss?

  • How much experience do you have sewing drapery into day-wear for seven highly disobedient children?

  • Would you consider him locking his ex in the attic a red flag, or a cheeky conversation starter?

  • What are your feelings on exploiting wealthy aristocrats together with near-sociopathic ruthlessness during the Napoleonic Wars?

No longer will you have to sit through tedious first dates with business consultants who think that Andrew Yang (#YangGang) has a chance in hell of winning the Democratic primary. Nope! Instead, you’ll just have to teach reading, needlework, and possibly solfège to little shitheads wearing pinafores.

Before you embark on your Love Journey, our service must first legally disclose that there is no guarantee of a match, and you may in fact just end up isolated, working for a rudimentary wage in a highly unregulated field. But right now it looks like it’s either that or submitting your audition tape to The Bachelor, so how bad can it really be?

-A Well-Mannered Grump