AGING GRANDMA’S HOMEMADE COOKIES CLEARLY JUST STORE BOUGHT LORNA DOONES

Winnetka, IL

The now late Franny Smith was so disappointed in herself she asked to appear forlorn and blurry in all captured images.

The now late Franny Smith was so disappointed in herself she asked to appear forlorn and blurry in all captured images.

Father’s Day has rolled around once again and that means going to visit your parents and grandparents. It also means sneaking off to the kitchen to avoid conversation and to secretly go into Grandma’s cookie jar. Jet Smith did just this earlier today but, when he reached his greedy little paws into the famous cookie jar, he came out with a handful of what were clearly Lorne Doones bought at the Jewel Osco down the street.

Smith reluctantly took a bite into one of the mass produced shortbread cookies. We asked him what he felt in that moment. “As I put the crusty stale old cookie in my mouth I knew… I knew what my grandmother’s dry skin tasted like.” Thrown off by Smith’s response we panicked and asked him to elaborate. “Well you know how you’ve always wondered how your grandparents skin tastes like, what the texture is like, if you can feel the remnants of The Great Depression on your tongue?” Smith continued.

At this point we would like to make it clear that we didn't intend to learn the rest of the information we receive but now feel obligated to report it… as we are journalists of moral character.

“Keep going.” we urged Smith. “ You see in my spare time I have been murdering people and documenting each type of person’s taste, aftertaste, and texture in an Excel spreadsheet. I was excited when I put the Lorna Doone in my mouth because I’ve been hesitant to brutally take the life of anyone in my own family in fear that I wouldn't get birthday presents from them anymore. This cookie’s taste however, was near enough to what I had experienced before that I thought I could complete the equation for what my family might taste like. I knew what to plug in for “X”. Of course all studies done correctly under the scientific method need a validity statement and how in my right mind could I go based solely off of one hypothetical cookie tasting family member’s body? So I killed the oldest and weakest of the Smith lineage to gather proper data.  I think we’ll all be pleased with the findings when I release my report.”

Jet Smith was put behind bars a few hours after our interview with him. We take credit for bringing this criminal to justice and give no credit to police offices. This is because we’re the news and we don’t like the police, unless they are playing basketball with underprivileged youth.

It is being reported that Smith has said but one sentence while being interrogated.


“The only crime I’m guilty of is being too SCIENCY!

-A Well-Mannered Grump