West Mucheyeis, ME

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Camp Falcon Claw opened its gates this morning and campers flooded in with exceptional enthusiasm. It was a moment many of these youngsters had been looking forward to since camp came to a conclusion last August. Each child had nothing but positive things to say about Falcon Claw. It's almost as if they were unaware that the camp was in fact an absolute and undeniable cult. While the website and brochures may preach old fashioned fun on the soccer field and in the dining hall, what you won’t see… is a literal cult. A cult decades in the making, a cult with the audacity to want our world’s youth to be “good people.” It’s a cult.


Seeing as being generally morally wishy-washy is a prerequisite to enter the field of journalism, we would just like to say, we don’t get it. A company with a mission other than raking in straight piles of cash yo? Sownds a wittle suspicious! We decided to dig further. What we found… will shock you.

As our equipment van approached the camp’s gate the first red flag was the welcome sign that read “Camp Falcon Claw. A summer camp. Not a cult. NOT a cult. NOT A CULT!” Giving them the benefit of the doubt we took note of the sign and moved forward with our investigation. As we drove along the one long gravel road into the camp our first interaction with human life was a man, a man who called himself Annie.

With a large smile and apparent open heart this man who referred to himself as “Annie” said “Welcome to Camp Falcon Claw. I hope you're having the best of days. I’d love to show you around our camp. I’ll introduce you to our directors.” Taken aback we gave a grunt and a nod and went along with “Annie” who now felt like an old friend. It should be noted that at this point our team reported warm feelings in the left side of their chests.

After having successfully infiltrated the cul- camp we were taken to their leaders almost immediately. When face to face with the four queen and kingpins of the operation (Carol, Ulysses, Laura, and Tom)  we had the following conversation.

Reporter: Is this a cult?

Tom: A what?

Reporter: A cult?

Laura: What’s a cult?

Reporter: You don’t know what a cult is?

Carol: No. What is it?

Reporter: Your camp.

Tom: How could we start a cult if we don’t know what a cult is.

Reporter: You really don’t know what a cult is?

Ulysses: I know a lot about making fire and hardscaping.

Reporter: What’s hardscaping?

Ulysses: You don’t know what hardscaping is?

Reporter: No. What is it?

Laura: You can’t hardscape in a cult.

Reporter: What?

Carol: You can’t hardscape in a cult.

Reporter: How do you know? You don’t know what a cult is.

Tom: You don’t know what hardscaping is.

Reporter: Ok.

Ulysses: We could use someone with your intelligence around these parts.

Ok so long story short. It’s not a cult. I signed my kids up for the summer for only $8000 a piece.

They took me on a sailboat. Kinda crazy we ever thought it was a cult. It says it right on the sign, “Not a cult. NOT a cult. NOT A CULT!” It was silly of us to jump to conclusions. Also I would like to take this time to announce that Annie will be the godfather of my newest baby boy and the beneficiary of all my earthly belongings in the case that I pass away unexpectedly on a sailboat or otherwise.

-A Well-Mannered Grump