In just a couple days June will turn to July, and rainbow short shorts will turn to red, white, and blue Jello Jigglers at your neighborhood block party. But before we let our moms dress us in Old Navy American flag tees from the year 2002, we get to dress ourselves in basically whatever the hell we want, while we unabashedly kiss whoever the hell we want. It’s Pride! Here are some things to wear so you can show your stuff on the big parade day-
1. Rainbow High Socks and Silly Glasses
Ha ha! Fun and quirky, a crowd pleaser, and always reliable. Pick ‘em up from Walmart the day before the parade to support your local big-business who definitely supports the gays, they promise!
2. Lucky Charms Rainbow Marshmallow outfit
Who knew Lucky the Leprechaun was a gay icon? Not only is his cereal good for children on a sitcom or weeks worth of depression meals, but it has it’s place at the pride parade as well. First, buy a couple bags of just Lucky Charms marshmallows online in bulk, and pick out the rainbow ones individually. Trash those other shapes, they’re homophobic! Next, spend hours upon hours super-gluing the little rainbows onto the outfit of your choice. If it’s hot on parade day, beware of melting ‘mallows!
3. Scratch and Sniff my Junk
The true definition of a crowd pleaser. This one is real simple to make: head on over to the dollar store, and pick up a pack of scratch and sniff stickers from the crafting section. We chose the ones with little fruit faces on them, but any will do. Gently stick them all over your cup or your thong (whichever you choose, no judgement here), and voila! When you tell other parade-goers your junk is scratch and sniff, they won’t be able to resist! Fun for them, *extra* fun for you. ;)
4. Skittles “Taste The Rainbow” lickable ‘fit
Mmm-mm good! You’ll be lookin’ like a snack in this tasty fit. Simply sort a bunch of Skittles bags by color (a perk for those with a little OCD) and attach them to any old t shirt you may have lying around your closet. When you arrive to the parade, encourage others to have a taste of your outfit. Not only will it be a good ice breaker, but you’ll taste SO much like the rainbow that everyone under the LGBTQ sun will wanna be your pal.
5. The Parachute from Spring Creek Elementary School made into a Ball Gown
March on into the Spring Creek Elementary’s kindergarten class and ask them to help you out. To earn their trust, promise them snacks. It’s as easy as that! Hop in the middle of their rainbow parachute and place each kindergartner on the edges, holding the parachute so it flares out like a ball gown. If the idea of bribing these kids so you can use their tiny bodies worries you, don’t fret! Just picture yourself as Glinda, and they are your munchkins. You make their lives better, and in return they offer tiny entertainment. Your parachute gown is sure to be a showstopper at the parade.
-A Well-Mannered Grump