San Jose, CA

The cover art for Adobe’s new program “Gluteoshop”.

The cover art for Adobe’s new program “Gluteoshop”.

Early Saturday morning Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen and other executive higher-ups introduced their newest revolutionary software to their already impressive “Creative Cloud”. The software is called, Glutoshop. It’s like Photoshop but it's only feature is the ability to give you a phat phat doink monster.

“After running a few in house generated algorithms our people found that <30% of Photoshop users only use the product to make their booties look ginormous. Naturally, we set out to create a product that served our customers better,” said EVP and CFO of Adobe, John Murphy. John wanted us to let the people know he doesn't need the software because he does not have a flat ass, despite what his High School nickname “Johnny Has A Flat Butt Murphy” might imply.

Glutoshop’s release was met with mixed responses from the public. While some were over the moon with excitement and ready to shell out top dollar for the product others had some hesitation. “When my friends and family see the Photoshop icon on my computer they think I’m artsy. Now when they walk into my home office to drop their jacket off during a holiday party they will see this new Glutoshop icon which literally says “Ass”. They will know what I’ve been doing all these years. Is there no room for discretion in the world of deep fake phat asses anymore?” said an Adobe customer who wished to keep their identity hidden.

CEO Shantanu Narayen said he expected some pushback initially but he hopes the community of big booty babies will come around to appreciate the convenience the program offers.

The program will be available on all platforms for subscribers to Adobe’s Creative Cloud. If you wish to purchase the software separately the cost is a humorous $699.

-A Well-Mannered Grump