USE DEVASTATING CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT TO JUSTIFY ALL YOUR TOXIC BEHAVIORS

The United States of Planet Earth, Everywhere

Image: Mark Garlick/Science Photos Library via Getty Images

Image: Mark Garlick/Science Photos Library via Getty Images

Let’s play a little game called “Good For You / Bad For You.” You read the news, you upstanding citizen! Good for you! You are now crying on the phone to your mom because, according to the latest report on climate change by an Australian think-tank, unless the world can get its shit together real fast, humans will start going extinct in thirty years. Bad for you! Except now you have the perfect excuse to justify all your toxic behaviors… Good for you? Here’s how to get started, before everything gets ended.

Fuck Without Condoms

You used to care about your health, like not receiving STIs. Whatever! The rich people and corporations that are contributing the most to the climate crisis are fucking us all without condoms! So go get your freak on, because we’re all dying thirty years before what our life expectancy would have been anyway.

Anonymously Report Your Ex on Facebook…Again

Okay, so Adam is getting suspicious. He just posted an angry Facebook status about continually being reported for no reason, and he also private messaged you to ask if you were behind this, to which you didn’t respond. But being petty on social media is a privilege that we won’t have for long, so we might as well take full advantage. Report that new vacation photo with his fiancée McKinzy. Why is her name spelled so weird??

Pull Out Your Tupperware for Leftovers at the Office Party

Yeah, your coworkers are going to judge you, but now you can judge them back in peace. You’re saving up for your one-way ticket to another habitable planet, and that meant dipping into your groceries budget. STFU, Randy from accounting! You’re like eighty, you’ll be dead either way!

Tell Samantha, Yes She Should Get That Haircut

She’s going to look like a llama that ran through a wood chipper, but who cares? It’s not like her grandkids will be looking at these photos. Ha! Who among us with a moral conscience could bring children into this godforsaken world?

Squeeze Lemons When You Already Have a Cut

You dumb masochistic bitch.

Link to Vice article:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/597kpd/new-report-suggests-high-likelihood-of-human-civilization-coming-to-an-end-in-2050?fbclid=IwAR3P_uIx-mULrBVl7t9HdsYccWq6MTsuiXxFWYRi_WrIjfYwz73yw4owmKw

— A Well-Mannered Grump