Entourage is a great show. Attractive characters, familial relationships, brotherly love? I mean what’s not to love? Today is the 15th anniversary of the day that Entourage first aired on HBO. In honor of this momentous occasion I recently rewatched Entourage and 15 years later I can safely say: Jesus Christ all these characters need a sharp kick in the pants.
I never noticed until recently that the plot follows the same formula: Vince can’t do a movie for some reason, then he can do the movie for some reason, and then they all celebrate and Ari yells something to the tune of “We own this cocksucking, pisshole town,” for some reason. Look, I agree that’s fun. Lots of drama followed up with a super satisfying resolution. But holy fuck, you guys the sexism on this show? It is next level. So do you kind of get why I want to shank I mean kick these guys really hard? I made a nice definitive list of every character I want to kick really hard in the leg. Hear me out:
Simply put: Vince is a fuckwit. Honestly, I find it unconvincing, shall we say, that he was supposed to be with the big star he’s played by Adrian Grenier, who always looks like someone just took away his juice box and he’s butthurt about it, but that’s neither here nor there. In season two, Vince and his dumbshit friends are on a quest to cast the right "fuckable" Aquagirl to star alongside him in “Aquaman”. The guys literally go down a list of actresses and cut them based on if they have a boyfriend and on how likely are they to sleep with Vince. Cancel a woman’s career because she has the universal right to consent? Sweeeet. I could go on, but I need to put on my cowboy boots so I can give Vincent Chase a real sharp kick in the pants.
A pervert producer character named Harvey Weingard (lol). I mean how much can I say...I’m putting on my steel-toed boots here guys. SHARP KICK.
I remember this one part of Entourage where Turtle talks about wanting to hire a hot cleaning lady so he can have sex with her. And then E (whose real name is Eric but they call him E because Eric takes too long to say) says something to the tune of “wouldn’t that just be a hooker?” And then Turtle says “Yes! A hooker who cleans!” There is nothing wrong with consensual sex work, but there is a lot wrong with Turtle. Turtle is a completely mediocre white man, but on the show, he is constantly getting with gorgeous, powerful and successful women. He propagates the notion that if you’re a mediocre white ass man the world is your oyster and women are lucky to fük you. Ugh. Do they make shoes with knives on them?
In one episode, Johnny Drama and motherfucking Turtle just assume that either or both of them will get to sleep with their beautiful blonde driver at the Sundance film festival. They relentlessly pursue her and then I barfed in my purse. This woman is just trying to do her job, you shits! But this is coming from a group of characters who routinely say: “Friends are girls you just haven’t fucked yet.” Women solely serve a sexual purpose for these deadbeat vomitboxes. Oh, and if they can’t serve a sexual purpose they solely exist to be emotional receptacles to hear the (non) problems for these subzero losers. I’m going to just hit these two with my van.
Ari Gold is an abusive asshole. And he’s played by an abusive asshole, Jeremy Piven. I’m going to kick him with my gun… Kidding… Kinda
(Bonus: Mark Wahlberg. Question: when is Mark Wahlberg going to be canceled?)
-A Well-Mannered Grump