Seattle, WA

In an alarming case that has both confused and horrified many, sources reported on Tuesday that a total fuckin weirdo man is grossed out by patriarchal rape culture power structures, but is not repulsed by menstruation. 

This Dude Is A FREAK!

This Dude Is A FREAK!

The bizarre, creep human man who identified as “Adam Cooper”, was reportedly overheard AGREEING that rape culture is the manifestation of the acceptance of rape as an everyday occurrence. 

“We first noticed there was something seriously wrong with this guy when he bought his roommate tampons on his way home from work without saying “ewwww” at checkout,” said Dr. Ben Kruic, a doctor who observed this disturbing, subhuman thing. “You could clearly see that he was completely unphased by the idea that his roommate was bleeding from her... you know what. In fact, he almost viewed the thing as just a super normal and natural part of human existence that for some reason or another has been constructed as a “taboo”, “dirty” and “shameful”. Total fuckin weirdo this guy.” 

“He once accused a police officer of exacerbating rape culture in the handling of a local sexual assault case. Total freak! He didn’t even blame the victim! This guy has been going against patriarchal cultural norms for years and literally no one has been the wiser,” said a neighbor of Mr. Cooper’s who asked not to be named because as he added “he ain’t no pussy.” 

“I once saw him handle feelings of sadness through therapy and not through undue emotional labor or rage,” added the neighbor. 

According to sources close to the freak Mr. Cooper, last May his roommate bled through a pad onto their couch and when she expressed shame Mr. Cooper told her she had nothing to be ashamed of. Sources said the abnormal, deeply sick man even remarked that seeing that 50% of the world menstruates or has menstruated it really should be something that is destigmatized. 

Furthermore, many are now reporting that this fuckin sicko actually CHECKS HIS MALE PRIVILEGE. 

“So I make a hilarious rape joke, ok?” Said former friend of Mr. Cooper, Cody McKesson. “And this perv outright says, ‘Dude that’s not funny don’t say that. If you make another rape joke it will have dire consequences on our friendship.’ So I did and he ended our friendship.   

“Makes sense that he doesn’t shame women for getting their periods. This dude is off the rails!” Mr. McKesson continued. “I know it’s a completely natural albeit necessary function, but it shouldn’t happen!” 

Sources confirmed that, sadly, cases similar to Mr. Cooper’s are becoming more and more common across the nation. 

“What’s gross is that 1 in 2 people menstruate, what’s not gross is pop music that tells women “you know you want it” because of these “blurred lines” of consent,” said Dr. Kruic. 

Sadly, when asked for a comment Mr. Cooper said, “I don’t understand why cis men get so butthurt about a natural bodily function. What they should be disgusted with is the fact that our judicial system routinely blames women and girls for their own sexual assault. That’s nasty.” 

-A Well-Mannered Grump