JACK GOT A CAR AS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL! HE’S SURE TO GET LAID NOW!

Akron, OH

Calling all OrangeMen of Ellet High! Please, consider this is the official decree that Jack Rowe, former nerd and pimple faced punk is officially cool this year! Why you ask… Because, Jack Rowe’s dad just upgraded his old car to a new 2019 Honda Ridgeline OOOOOHH! 

Give Me An S! T! U! D! What’s That Spell? JACK!

Give Me An S! T! U! D! What’s That Spell? JACK!

But wait, why does that mean Lil Jack is going to be a cool kid this year? Well because this means someone inherits a bright red 2001 Honda Accord! Does anyone else smell sex on the horizon? Don’t just take it from us, have a look at what Principal Michelle Marquess-Kearns has to say on the topic…

“Now our Softball team won the state championship back in 1996. I was on that team. I have never been more excited for a series of events to unfold in Akron Ohio I heard the news that Lil Loser Jack Rowe was gonna get himself a sex-mobile.” stated Principal Michelle Marquess-Kearns.

The city of Akron is a buzz for the first day of school and bets are already being placed on how long it will take for Rowe to lose his virginity. I’ve got my money on pre-homecoming and to someone on the volleyball team! Dare I drop McKenzie Winter’s name as a possible suitor? 

Okay, okay, I’m giving into the gossip but I’m excited! Let’s shift gears and throw some data to back up my prediction. Below some cold hard DATA!

Past Seasonal Sales.png

Also… like Ryan on the Cross-Country team was like so ugo before he had a car and now he hit puberty so like coincidence like no right?

Get yourself a car folks ;). And keep an eye out for Jack Rowe this year LAWL.

-A Well-Mannered Grump