What’s Mr. Hillyard’s Fuckin Mug Doin In My Coffee?

What’s Mr. Hillyard’s Fuckin Mug Doin In My Coffee?

Chicago, IL

Jackie Hillyard has been working at the Dark Matter Coffee shop off the Belmont stop for nearly a year and has been nothing but, an ideal employee. This was until this past Monday when her Daddy problems started to bleed through into her latte art. 

“Look, Jackie’s been nothing but good for my shop. But, I can’t have people bringing whatever they’ve got going on in the home to work. My lavender lattes have some of the highest margins in the store, I can’t have Mr. Robert Hillyard’s face popping up in a bestseller, scarring my customers away.” said Jesse Diaz owner of the Dark Matter coffee chain.

What’s striking about Diaz’s comments were their negativity. Diaz has a reputation as being a super dope and down to earth dude which means Hillyard must have really been acting some kind of way to elicit this sort of response. To better understand the full story we sat down with Dark Matter frequent customer  Paul Tyler James. The three first named gentlemen declined to comment but, James did send us the Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, and Threat (SWOT) Analysis chart.

Dark Matter COffee.png

As you can see the coffee shop is amazing but Jackie need to GET👏 HER 👏 SHIT 👏 TO 👏 GET 👏 HER👏👏👏!

-A Well-Mannered Grump