THIS YEAR’S HOTTEST SCHOOL SUPPLIES ARE HERSCHEL BACKPACKS, COLOR PENCILS, AND KEVLAR VESTS

Schools, USA

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Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. It’s time to ship your little ones off to a big building where they become some other adult’s problem. With the start of every new school year there comes a flurry of new must-have school supplies that every student needs. This year’s hottest products are Herschel backpacks, colored pencils, and the new addition of Kevlar vests.

Yes folks, you read that correct Kevlar vests. Rather than passing gun-control laws our current House of Representatives and Senate alike thought a good solution would be to just put every kid in a Kevlar vest. We’ve come to expect greatness from the United States by this point and this is just one of the fiery new laws being put into place. God bless America, we seem to be getting back on track. I mean what does “gun control” really even mean?

Next on the docket for the brave men and women putting these fine ideas into motion is a bill that will allow every child to carry a fully automated weapon of their choosing by 2020. Majority leader of the Republican party and Kentucky state senator Mitch McConnell made the following statement this past Wednesday.

“Our brightest minds have put in motion what is in my opinion one of the finest pieces of law this century. Not only does this law keep our children safe by arming them with automated weapons but, it gives them the right to choose which automated weapon they brandish about the halls of their education establishment.” said McConnell.

Of course upon hearing the news that within the next year all students of all ages would be required to carry automatic weapons, some parents were upset. 

“This is just like when they tried to require school uniforms! This takes away my child's right to make their own choices! My little Cindy should have the right to choose which type of fully automated weapon she brings into Language-Arts class. Cindy needs to show her personality and bloom as an individual!” said PTA spokesperson and avid Peloton rider Sandra McCartin. 

Well, McCartin got what she wanted. The next day a bulk email was sent out with a full catalog of approved automated weapons.  Thanks, the government!

Below is the card the computer design class made for Mr. McConnell.

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-A Well-Mannered Grump