English Professor Names Newborn "Emerson" To Indicate Cultural Superiority

Sarah Lawrence College, NY

Professor Waldo wants the world to know she’s a very neat folk.

Professor Waldo wants the world to know she’s a very neat folk.

Professor Waldo gave birth to her firstborn child this past Monday. Upon opening her email she was meet with a flurry of congratulations and questions pertaining to the baby’s name. She had prepared for this moment.  Waldo wouldn't just name her son, she would give him a brand, a brand that would show all the other parents around that she reads books. Waldo named her son Emerson.

“Emerson is the perfect name to assert my intellectual prowess and overall superiority over the other parents I who may cross my path throughout my tenure as a child raiser.” said Waldo. She is right to make such a claim, it has been proven through...like... vague feelings and general vibes and stuff, that children with somewhat gender-fluid names based on famous literary figures make their parents look like total nerds.

We hope all the best for the clearly insecure professor of English and offer up one more sincerer congratulations on her beautiful Emerson.

For those looking to follow in Professor Waldo’s footsteps, our research team has put together a foolproof guide to finding a name that makes you look smart.

Names to give your baby to Establish INTELLECTUAL dominance over the other parents.png

-A Well-Mannered Grump