It is exactly one month from the opening day of the NFL season. This, of course, means Tommy Rice, Phoenix native and avid Arizona Cardinals football super-fan has 6 months of pent up fantasy football talk just waiting to explode out of him. To Rice’s surprise, no one seemed to want to talk about the breakout potential of Christian Kirk now that number one overall pick Kyler Murray was behind center in Arizona.
Rice thought maybe the initial lack of enthusiasm he received was due to the types of people he was engaging in conversation.
“I mean I guess I was being a little silly asking my boys with girlfriends to talk shop with me. Ya know what I mean? Like Pat Primavera is dating a banker, dudes, not gonna wanna spitball some stats around. Ya know what I mean?” said Rice.
It should be stated for the record that, yes, we did know what he meant although what he meant did seem to be vaguely sexist and hypercritical of men in loving relationships.
Rice then took his newly downloaded fantasy app to a neighborhood bar on a Monday at 12:30pm. He figured he should go right to the source and ask some like minded individuals who also watched daytime sports talk shows on Fox Sports Go on their computers while drinking Miller Light what they thought of the upcoming season.
Rice, however, was met with a surprise upon entering “The Floppy Bird”, which is the super cool name of the aforementioned bar. The bar was full of a diverse crowd of all gendered people of many different races watching CNN and working on creating sources of passive income by day-trading or drop-shipping.
Tommy Rice told us “I did the only thing he that could bring him back to the good ole days when he and his boys would just talk fantasy and pussy all day long. Ya know what I mean?”
Rice went into the all-gender bathroom in the back of The Floppy Bird and joined a mock draft where he only drafted past domestic abusers and murderers to prove he was at least still really funny.
You know what he means?
Below is an image of Tommy Rice’s very funny fantasy football roster.
-A Well-Mannered Grump