We’re not going to name names or anything, but let’s assume you’re trying to get over your ex, and you’d like to speed up the process. Leading psychologists are all pretty much in agreement about the solution, and it’s to sit your booty down to watch Bachelor in Paradise, Season 6, Week 5, Part 1. You know, the episode when America collectively got wet over sweet Derek Peth’s heartbreaking display of maturity after getting dumped for the *second* time this summer. Why? Because now you can project alllllll your fantasies onto this perfect TV man, and forget all about your ex in no time. This sounds emotionally healthy! Let’s get started!
Having trouble? Just imagine all the ways that Derek Peth is superior to your ex. First of all, Derek would definitely make it his mission to satisfy you every time, which is more than can be said even once for *ahem* Bryan… Oops? Moving on.
Derek would never send you a deeply romantic song post-breakup (which all your friends and your mom are in agreement about, it was romantic) that reminded him of you, only to then make out with you, only to THEN have “no idea” you might interpret that as residual feelings on his part. He definitely “didn’t have any objectives” other than “friendship” and “didn’t mean to imply” that he was “looking” to “restart” a “relationship.” (BRYAN.) Sorry, this is about Derek though.
The purpose of this article is really not to talk about your ex (okay, his name is Bryan), but… Actually no, let’s go back to that song, because you definitely have more to say about that. Because I personally think that if DEREK sent YOU “Groceries” by Mallrat fourteen months after breaking up, it would be a prelude to getting back together, don’t you think? I mean, look at these chorus lyrics:
I just wanna get groceries
I'll pray you wanna get close to me
I'll give it some, give it some, give it some time
But I think we're supposed to be
Wait, there’s more.
And if you wanna get groceries
And if you wanna get close to me
Just gimme some, gimme some, gimme some sign
I think that we're supposed to be
RIGHT, DEREK? RIGHT?
Derek Peth is a 32-year-old commercial banker, successful podcast host, and feminist king who treats women with respect/empathy and consistently makes himself vulnerable in search of love. If men like him actually exist out there, then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BEING CAUGHT UP ON BRYAN?!
And sure, maybe Bryan and Derek resemble each other, insofar as they are both handsome but vaguely generic looking brunette white men from the Midwest. But those similarities definitely do not mean that I am using him as a stand-in for Bryan. I have definitely not called my mom to monologue for two hours on why Derek and I would match perfectly if we only met. Likewise, I am also definitely not writing this article in hopes of Derek seeing it and falling in love with me via Instagram. Like so many people are DM’ing him right now, right? Don’t you think? Or maybe no? Maybe like everyone just assumes everyone else is DM’ing him, so no one is? Should I? I want you to be totally honest with me, but I also want you to tell me yes. Wait, this isn’t about me though. This is about YOU and finding a way to get over Bryan when you haven’t met your healthcare deductible yet, and your parents refuse to pay for counseling because you’re “twenty-three” and an “adult” with a “job.” Thank God Hulu is only $11.99 per month, or free if your roommate’s parents are paying for it.
And last of all: what the fuck Tayshia. What the fuck.
-A Well-Mannenred Grump