Straight Couple Practically Having Sex In Front of You Thinks Gay Pride is “A Little Much”

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The straight couple that is basically having sex in front of perfect strangers on the subway (AKA a very public place (this info for the layman)) thinks that gay pride is “a little much.” 

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“I get that it needs to exist. Pride is important, but like I saw a guy wearing a jockstrap coming out of a gay bar once...and I don’t know it just seemed like it was... I don’t know excessive?” said the man, Cameron Britton mid literal French kiss with his girlfriend Danielle Brown. 

While the irony was not lost on the strangers on the subway car in question that the couple was further soiling, it certainly seems to have been lost on Britton and Brown. 

“I mean I think it’s great that people celebrate their gender expression and sexuality. I’m an ally. I’ve seen Queer Eye. At one point during the pride parade, this lesbian couple wearing pasties on their nipples just like... kissed in the middle of the road. I was just kinda like...is that necessary?” Brown said gingerly rubbing Britton’s crotch. 

Onlookers were visibly irked both by the overt genital groping and the overt double standard. 

“Do we have unimaginably privileged being heterosexual? Yes.  But....why was no one wearing a shirt at pride?” Said Britton, whose shirt was off for some reason on the subway. 

A few onlookers looked like they might want to change cars or even say something to the couple. 

“Yeah, I didn’t say anything because straight people are so sensitive,” said straphanger David Garfield. “Besides, one false move and a straight man pulls out a gun to defend their unearned privilege.” 

Perhaps small potatoes to Brown now practically mounting Britton, the pair was taking up several seats on the train. 

“Also...I will say I don’t think it’s right that I can’t go to gay spaces. I’m an ally. And it’s not easy being an ally. I have an uncle who is super homophobic,” said Brown. “Thanksgivings are hard for me.” 

“Look, we saw Dear Evan Hansen. In terms of allies go we are it. But like….Why do they have to cause traffic jams for the parade? Right? I mean you never see my girl and me causing a public spectacle,” said Britton whose pants were off. 

-A Well-Mannered Grump