COHEN CALLS TRUMP A “RACIST, CONMAN, AND CHEAT”, TRUMP CALLS COHEN A “LITTLE SALLY SISSY PUSSY GIRL”

Capitol Hill, D.C

Just this morning Michael Dean Cohen sat down in front of the House Oversight Committee intending come clean about President Trump. In his opening statement Mr. Cohen said, in reference to Mr. Trump: “He is a racist. He is a conman. He is a cheat.” President Trump responded in a tweet saying, “Pshhhhh, sure, sure I might say words like the words he is saying...if I were a little sally sissy pussy girl.”

When asked why he used the language he did, Mr. Trump said, “I don’t know why you people, you media, fake media, fake news people are so concerned with what I do and what I say.” When we explained to Mr. Trump what his job was and what is expected of him, the president asked, “Is the president allowed to eat GoGurt?” While we are fairly certain GoGurt is allowed within The White House, we are still unsure whether or not books are authorized in the building during the current administration. We thought we would inquire...

“Books? I don’t know why all you writer, smarmy writer, journalist, fake journalist people care about what books I’ve read,” said the President. We asked if he could name one book. “@realDonaldTrump on twitter! Now there’s a good read!” Trump said as he burped. Mr. Trump went on to say, “One day I hope to stop the publishing of all books, so the poor and the Mexicans and especially the poor Mexicans—

We wrote 3000 more words in this article, but Mr. Trump’s current lawyer contacted us and offered us $500,000 to stop right here.

— A Well-Mannered Grump

“Read: Michael Cohen's Opening Statement to Congress.” CNN, Cable News Network, 27 Feb. 2019, www.cnn.com/2019/02/27/politics/cohen-testimony-read/index.html?no-st=1551291637.