NEW STUDY ASKS: IS IT LOVE OR DOES HE JUST NOT HAVE A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ASSAULT?

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A new study at Harvard University asks the age old question: is it love or does he just not have a history of sexual assault? The answer much to the surprise of the greater scientific community is: no. According to new research published today...you’re probably not in love...you’re just settling because at least he hasn’t assaulted anyone....that you know of.

“Like he could be mediocre as hell, but the standards for straight men and their conduct

are so low,” said Dr. Jessica Gershwin, a psychology professor at Harvard University and the lead author of the study. “The bar is so low, folks.”

But just because he doesn’t have a history of sexual violence doesn’t mean he isn’t heinous in other ways...says the science. According to the study rooted in science, just because he’s not a serial rapist, doesn’t mean he isn’t rude to waiters or that he doesn’t play devil's advocate when someone brings up the Civil War.

“Look, just because he’s not Ted Bundy and just because he maybe remembered that your mom’s name was maybe Linda, doesn’t mean he’s ‘considerate’ or has your ‘best interest at heart.’ It’s science. We did science on it,” said Dr. Gershwin.

The idea that you should take his shit just because he isn’t “that bad” is still a relatively new concept so it is not surprising to that the greater community can’t quite make sense of these results.

“To answer the question, yes perhaps he doesn’t have a history of murdering women, but that doesn’t mean you’ve hit the jackpot,” Dr. Gershwin said. “We concluded that you don’t need to excuse terrible behavior just because he didn’t kill your roommate and eat her hands.”

— A Well-Mannered Grump