Burlington, VT

Bernie Sanders, Vermont senator and 2016 runner-up for the Democratic Party presidential candidate, officially announced his plans for a second presidential campaign on Tuesday, February 19, and I am now fully prepared to roundhouse kick some capitalists. I was never a bully in school, nor have I received any formal training in the martial arts, but I feel confident that my eighth grade obsession with Chuck Norris will enable me to adequately fulfill the task.

No capitalist will go unpenalized. Not my high school social studies teacher, who spent an entire semester masturbating philosophical on Reaganomics, a true APUSH rite of passage. Not my bachelor uncle Todd, who paid in part for my college housing. (Thanks, Todd. But also Todd, feel this foot!) Not even Miss Colleen, my mostly sweet elderly neighbor who once told me that she supports a free-market solution for healthcare. You’re going to wish you had universal healthcare now, byotch!

Basically, if you don’t believe in tuition-free public college, economic justice, and the corpocracy’s role in global warming, you can rest easy knowing that a kick will soon be delivered to you in a swift semicircle motion, per Google’s instructions on how to properly execute a roundhouse kick. This is a grassroots campaign, people! As in, your face will see the grass’ roots when I knock you to the ground — assuming, of course, that I can actually complete this somewhat advanced combat maneuver. If Bernie can raise over $6 million from over 225,000 donors within 24 hours of his campaign announcement, then this should be easy enough.

Am I a little nervous, now that I think on it, about promising to fight someone who probably aligns themselves with the political party that is also more likely to carry concealed weaponry, for the precise purpose of protecting themselves? Hmm. I’m going to go with a confident “no,” because it seems a little too late to turn this editorial around at this point. But actually, total coincidence, my leg kind of feels like it’s cramping… Does my calf muscle look like it could be spasming? No? Super weird, this never happens to me. I think I’m actually going to lie down for a minute. Maybe I’ll just drink some chamomile tea and check Twitter for a bit.

But MARK MY WORDS, capitalists! Once I’ve taken a nap, retweeted Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a few times, finished my non-caffeinated herbal beverage, advanced to at least a second-degree black belt, and paid off my student loan debt (including interest), I’m totally going to roundhouse-kick-your-asses!

— A Well-Mannered Grump

Kaplan, Thomas. “Bernie Sanders Raises $6 Million After Announcing Presidential Bid.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 20 Feb. 2019, www.nytimes.com/2019/02/20/us/politics/bernie-sanders-fundraising.html.