I THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND WAS A FEMINIST UNTIL I REALIZED HE WAS JUST A PILE OF ROCKS WITH A PUSSY HAT ON TOP

Glastonbury, CT

I used to think my boyfriend, Mark was a feminist because he never interrupted me, played devil’s advocate, pressured me into sex, ghosted me, or used violence to express emotion. However, that all came to a screeching halt the day I realized he was just a pile of rocks with a pussy hat on top.

Before this relationship, I dated a slew of men, who were constantly asking for nudes or interrupting me to mansplain. Mark was different I thought. He never mansplained, he never asked for nudes. In fact he never asked anything. I also just assumed Mark was a feminist because, best of all, he wore a pussy hat at all times.

My friends tried to tell me. “Jesse, I think Mark might just be…a pile of rocks…with a pussy hat on top,” they would say. “No, he’s just a feminist,” I would answer. I used to feel bad for my friends. I figured that just because our relationship was rooted in cooperation, rather than competition that my friends assumed that perhaps Mark was not a human man. I also assumed they were just jealous.

It wasn’t until a cool summer’s breeze gently blew through our apartment, knocking Mark’s hat to the floor did I realize the terrible truth: Mark was no feminist. Far from it, in fact he was just a pile of rocks with a pussy hat on top.

In retrospect there were warning signs. I mistook Mark’s silence for allyship. My story is a cautionary one: you cannot be a feminist if you are not a sentient being. Ladies, if this can happen to me, it can certainly happen to you. Ask yourself: is my boyfriend a feminist, or is he just a pile of rocks with a pussy hat on top?

— A Well-Mannered Grump