IF A BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS SUPPORTER SUPPORTS BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS IN A FOREST BUT, NO ONE IS AROUND TO LIKE AND COMMENT IS IT A HATE CRIME?

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Recent recipient of the prestigious Real Good Sociology Survey grant for the Arts and Sciences, Matt McCalculator released his findings on Friday morning. McCalculator found that “Yes. You are the literal second coming of Pol Pot if you don’t post statistically vague articles on your Facebook wall paired with a passionate rant and the black mermaid emoji.

Below is a chart of the most common words used in the Facebook posts studied. 

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We asked a few of the “Social Justice Warriors” studied in McCalculators report, why they take it upon themselves to solve all of humanity’s imperfections every day, their responses are below.

I make a point to share every liberal-leaning article I stumble upon on the website StumbleUpon. I do this mostly to make sure no one thinks I’m super racist and a daily hate crime committer.  

- Emily Atkins, 26 y/o white guitarist.

My newsfeed looks exactly the same as CNN’s and in my opinion if yours doesn’t you’re like a terrorist TBH!

-Emily Banks, 20 y/o white aspiring ballerina.

I am the moral standard and my ass pics with Hillary’s face superimposed over them with the opacity turned down proves how many liberal men want to fuck me. 

-Emily C through Z

McCalculator’s findings have already influenced the most influential influences on the most popular social media platforms. People have made huge strides towards social justice in the form of the creation of a singular hashtag, “#OMGLOOKATWHATAGOODPERSONIAMPROBABLYWAYWAYBETTERTHANYOUYESYOUTHEPERSONREADINGTHISHASTAGMEANTTOINSPIRECHANGEBUTISCLEARLYWAYTOLONGANDMETATOGOVIRALANDMAKEANYDIFFERENCEATALL”.

McCalculator has announced his next research project, an in-depth look at the correlation between the number and demographics of the people that still follow Hillary and the consumption of anti-depressants. 

-A Well-Mannered Grump