Springfield, IL

The Fortsmith family straight cheezin.

The Fortsmith family straight cheezin.

The Fortsmith family has raised their children in Illinois’ capital for generations. Their history goes all the way back to the early 1800s when the state was founded. As the patriarch of the household put it, “We’re a gun family! I’m a gun man because my daddy was a gun man, his daddy was a gun man and we don’t know near nothin else.” 

We took it upon ourselves to read between the lines and interpret what Mr. Fortsmith was likely saying. Our guess is as follows; “I know guns haven’t had the best reputation recently but, if I don’t have my semi-automatic rifle I don’t know what I would talk about. What would I pose with in pictures on the internet so people from high school still think I go on runs and have a fully functioning weener? What will I use as a surprising truth when playing two truths and a lie when my daughter’s bad boy liberal boyfriend wants to “get to know the family better? Owning a Sig Sauer M400 semiautomatic assault rifle is kinda like our family’s whole thing, ya know? Because it’s my thing and my thing has to be the family’s thing or I will throw a serious hissy fit.”

Mr. Fortsmith isn’t alone. There are plenty of families who struggle to find a life’s purpose and have trouble coping with the uncertainty for humanity so they attach themselves to a thing, in this case, a highly dangerous firearm. 

Other common substitutes for self-actualization include but are not limited to;

  • The Catholic Church

  • Eastern Orthodox Church

  • The Protestant Church

  • Twitter

  • All Other Forms of Religion That The American Government Wishes Would Just Be Christianity Already

  • People Who Only Make Conversation With People With Their Own Sexual Orientation.

  • The Musical Rent Church

  • The Non-Musical Theatre But Real Acting Church

  • College 

  • The NFL


  • The Watching YouTube Tutorials On How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube So You Can Impress Women Quietly With Your Intellect In The Corner At A Party But Only The Two Other Men Who Watched The Same Tutorial Pay Attention To You So You Will Then In Return Circle Jerk Their Waste Of Time On YouTube While They Solve The Same Meaningless Collection Of Colorful Cubes That Make Up A Bigger Cube While Gossiping About The Happenings Of The E-League On TBS

  • Alcoholics Anonymous

  • Narcotics Anonymous

  • Owners Of Niche Reusable Starbucks Coffee Containers

  • People Who Comment On Satire Posts On Instagram

Please feel free to comment below with any we forgot to mention.

-A Well-Mannered Grump